I never dreamed
Someone from my past
Feelings redeemed
So much time has passed
I kept up with her
We would always be friends
She would concurr
Our friendship transcends
We have reconnected
Both being single
We have redirected
For us to mingle
She watched me sail
Commenting along the way
I called her instead of email
Just not any comminique
We talked for hours
Just about everything
She must have superpowers
She was so addicting
We communicated frequently
Four or five times a day
I enjoyed her evidently
Because she was so gay
She was brilliant
She was happy
She was exciting
She was captivating
I wanted more
I wanted that energy
I wanted to explore
I wanted synergy
I asked her out
And she agreed
What a rout
I decreed
Too smooth
Too slick
Too easy
Too sleek
We were so agreeable
I was flabbergasted
Our future is unforeseeable
And it was not forecasted
Now a new journey
Where will we go
A magnificent tourney
Only God will know
Tag: live
My Old Friend
I missed you
My good friend
We can share a pew
And transcend
Transcend my feelings
My feelings of obscurity
In all routine dealings
Reducing my security
Fall left to right
Shift backwards
The sun so bright
Unable to say words
Where do you hide
In the summertime
Where do you reside
Rushing back time after time
To disrupt my life
Bewitching me
Causing such strife
Not letting me flee
Fleeing the troubles
Fleeing the nuisance
Fleeing the intangibles
Fleeing the assurance
Assurances of stability
Assurances of normality
Assurances of survivability
Assurances of congeniality
I become tired
I become annoyed
I become angered
I become destroyed
Hard to accept
This reoccurring crap
Not well kept
In this sinister trap
Trap of denial
Trap of betrayal
Trap of carnal
Trap of abnormal
This is not just
Give me relief
Can you adjust
And reduce your grief
You must
No other choice
Or you will rust
And lose your voice
Stay steady
Bulk up
Reduce your anxiety
Accept your cup
Change
I need a change To make me whole Why exchange My current role I am not appreciated I am a man child I am depressed and deflated I am forgotten in exile I have an opinion I keep to myself Just a tiny minion Not being myself I need to stand up But then I am immature And we breakup And there is no cure I can walk away What does it prove To exit the fray As my opening move But this is hard I am weak going to ground Getting lonely and scared Growing lifeless and down Will I miss my buddy Just waiting and moping Way too hard and bloody Just hoping I wish it could be A life with her I have made my plea She does not concur Instead of pouting And being blue Your life needs rerouting To make it through Concentrate on me Setting new priorities I am single and free With no authorities I am off my medication Planning to travel Not a vacation Just to unravel My mind and thoughts Through reading and writing Connecting the dots And keep on fighting Fighting for what is right Which can be a debate Not worth the bite I am not a piece of bait I am not a fish or insect I am a strong man I stand erect I need a plan Get my health straight And create multiple verses Remove dead weight Solve any reverses What needs to shift To execute your plan Become a spendthrift And a bad food ban Walk even if it hurts A health goal And do not chase skirts So you keep control Do not be in a rush Solve all concerns Work through the slush And reap the returns The goodwill produced Relations restored I will get a needed boost Along with a great reward My plan will be ready To shift my gaze And to be steady Through this new phase
Checklist
Checklist I have had one forever Once it is on the list A grand endeavor Not to be missed Get it done Can be transposable Not always fun Quick as possible Which one first Which one second Which one makes a difference Which one is important From A1 to C1 A ranking tactic Works in the long run Way too didactic How did I get consumed By this need to check it off Too much to do I assumed Me and my mighty trough A trough of obsession A trough of greed A trough of pride A trough of ambition But where am I now Chasing a disorder Nothing but a sow Who is out of order I must throw the list away Does not matter to me Who cares if I stray And become carefree I have been told Does it matter In the past it was gold Today dung splatter I have changed To get relief Not to be deranged But to reduce my grief Go away systematic rules To accomplish tasks These are just tools Anxiety and depression masks Masks of fatigue Masks of rages Masks of technique Masks of past ages Take mine down Get rid of it I want to stay around And keep my wit
Functional Neurological Disorder
Functional Neurological Disorder or Conversion Disorder
I have battled a health issue for six years with no diagnosis, just endless symptoms, and doctor visits. The symptoms are debilitating, but the worse part is they come and go like the wind. One minute I feel good and the next minute I feel awful. One-minute functioning and the next minute dysfunctioning. I minute normal and the next abnormal.
The doctor visits were intense. I saw over 45 doctors in the past six years. The doctors would talk to you and do all types of tests – brain tests, MRI’s, MRA”s inner ear tests, heart, lungs, knee and hip specialist, blood clot specialist, blood pressure, toxicology, EEG’s, EMG’s, anxiety exams, depression exams, etc. The doctors were from the best medical centers in the world – Mayo Clinic and Vanderbilt. They did not find anything wrong with me except anxiety and depression. All you need is a pill, and you will be better. The best line from the doctors was just wait until it manifests itself. Really, I am trying to live!
Of course, I am going to be anxious and depressed. Duh! I am falling backwards thousands of times and bless the Lord that I have hit the ground only ten times. I lose words, and I can not say what is on my mind. The sunlight shuts me down, making me retreat into myself. I close my eyes, and I cannot function. I fall left to right wobbling. These are daily occurrences. There are so many other symptoms that happen sporadically. I find it amusing the funny situations that I have experienced in the past six years.
For two years, the only disease that was close to my symptoms was Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP). This is an undiagnosed disease that eats away at you until you die. No one says you have it until the end when you cannot walk, talk, or eat. They autopsy you to see your tau proteins bunched up on your brain. Yes, you had PSP. Wow! How nice! My adamant supporter, Smart Girl did not think I had it because I was not getting weaker physically, and I did not have a Parkinsonian look, which is present in PSP. When this is the only disease that fits all your symptoms, it is hard not to latch on to this disease. Gosh, I want to put a name to it. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to be in control. Control of what? PSP is a killer. PSP is an ugly death. PSP is not merciful. PSP is painful. PSP is torture.
Last week (June 2020), my adamant supporter or I call her Smart Girl located Functional Neurological Disorder. What is that? I have never heard of that disorder. I do not remember any doctor, including many neurologists, mention it to me. They never even suggested it was a possibility.
What is Functional Neurological Disorder?
Functional neurological disorder (FND) is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis or stroke.
What are the symptoms?
FND patients can experience a wide range and combination of symptoms that are physical, sensory and/or cognitive. The most common include:
Motor dysfunction
• Functional limb weakness/paralysis
• Functional movement disorders; including tremor, spasms (dystonia), jerky movements (myoclonus) and problems walking (gait disorder)
• Functional speech symptoms; including whispering speech (dysphonia), slurred or stuttering speech
Sensory dysfunction
• Functional sensory disturbance includes altered sensation; e.g. numbness, tingling or pain in the face, torso or limbs. This often occurs on one side of the body
• Functional visual symptoms; including loss of vision or double vision
Episodes of altered awareness
• Dissociative (non-epileptic) seizures, blackouts and faints: these symptoms can overlap and can look like epileptic seizures or faints (syncope)
Symptoms often fluctuate and may vary from day to day or be present all the time. Some patients with FND may experience substantial or even complete remission followed by sudden relapses of symptoms.
Other physical and psychological symptoms are commonly experienced by patients with FND but may not be present. These include: chronic pains, fatigue, sleep problems, memory symptoms, bowel and bladder symptoms, anxiety and depression.
Yes, I have many of those symptoms, and they come and go. Is this a real disorder or just a junk drawer for people who are messed up, but there is no diagnosis for me yet? I do not care. I rather think I have FND (live) versus PSP (die).
Is there a treatment?
Yes, I have new doctors to see and new treatments to try – CBT and ACT. I must be more self-aware of what triggers my symptoms. I must learn techniques to reset myself once symptoms start. My favorite is when I cannot pronounce words or get them out of my mouth then sing a song. I sing “Everyday with Jesus,” and then I can pronounce the word or get it out of my mouth. How wonderful is that! In one week, we have found one reset. How exciting. Now, I am looking for triggers to stop symptoms before they happen and for reset techniques to get me back to normal as soon as possible.
Praise
I praise God for the blessing in my life. In the past two weeks, God put Smart Girl in my life. She found this disorder, she made me aware of the disorder, and she helped me with the first symptom reset. Two, the Lord gave me hope and endurance. The Lord gave me the will to enjoy each day and to live. Thank you, God!