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Together

Together

Together again
Twenty four seven
Running a marathon
Not an unusual phenomenon

Many couples enjoy this life
And many do not
There will be strife
Like a blood clot

It can kill you
If you do not dissolve
The nasty brew
Before it can evolve

Evolve to your heart
Where it can hurt or kill
So be smart
And use your skill

Take medicine to thin your blood
Learn to shrug off the attacks
Or you will be stuck in the mud
So know the facts and relax

A good relationship
Is like blood thinner
Works like forgiveness
We are sinners

So enjoy every minute
Laugh a lot
Be compassionate
They are not an afterthought

My Old Friend

I missed you
My good friend
We can share a pew
And transcend

Transcend my feelings
My feelings of obscurity
In all routine dealings
Reducing my security

Fall left to right
Shift backwards
The sun so bright
Unable to say words

Where do you hide
In the summertime
Where do you reside
Rushing back time after time

To disrupt my life
Bewitching me
Causing such strife
Not letting me flee

Fleeing the troubles
Fleeing the nuisance
Fleeing the intangibles
Fleeing the assurance

Assurances of stability
Assurances of normality
Assurances of survivability
Assurances of congeniality

I become tired
I become annoyed
I become angered
I become destroyed

Hard to accept
This reoccurring crap
Not well kept
In this sinister trap

Trap of denial
Trap of betrayal
Trap of carnal
Trap of abnormal

This is not just
Give me relief
Can you adjust
And reduce your grief

You must
No other choice
Or you will rust
And lose your voice

Stay steady
Bulk up
Reduce your anxiety
Accept your cup

Tools to Help me Live

I have struggled for years, and I have searched for tools to help me live better. I want tools to help me learn what triggers my symptoms and how to reset the triggers as quickly as possible.

I have had ongoing issues for years, and no physical defects can be found beyond repaired damage to knee and hips along with blood clots. I have fallen backward; my neck hurts, my head hurts, my eyes get stressed, my head goes blank, my body wobbles, and many other little nuisances. No one has given me solutions to these issues except to drug me up and to make me into a zombie. I don’t particularly appreciate living this way. If anything, this lifestyle drives anxiety and depression, which activates, compounds, and exaggerated my issues.

The diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) opens new avenues to explore, including Cognitive behavior Theory and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). I am exploring these two tools, and I am seeking counselors to help me learn these tools and to apply them to my life.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is based on several core principles, including:

1. Psychological problems are based, in part, on faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking.

2. Psychological problems are based, in part, on learned patterns of unhelpful behavior.

3. People suffering from psychological problems can learn better ways of coping with them, thereby relieving their symptoms and becoming more effective in their lives.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral#

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.

https://www.verywellmind.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-1067402#citation-1

The Linehan Institute Behavioral Tech. What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? 2017.

I plan to write more about my journey, trying to understand these tools and how they are working to make my life better. I will add posts about other tools that I use to help, including breathing exercises, writing, exercising, and yoga—also, a post here and there about God and his provision for me. These tools and exercises do not compete with God. To me, they are the fruit of God’s existence.

I hope they may help you if you have sprouts of anxiety or depression.

Have any of you had any experiences with CBT or DBT? Did it help?

The Drug

The Drug
 
Amitriptyline
Is my drug
Not really crystalline
I think like a slug
 
So very very dragging
So very very hampered
So very very lagging
So very very hammered
 
I can not think
I can not write
I can not read
I can not understand
 
I can walk
I can talk
I can exercise
I can drive
 
A trade off
Lose the crazy woes
Do not unbelieve or scoff
Or live in the shadows
 
Easier to be alone
Easier to hideaway
Easier to be my own
Easier to live that way
 
Live in solitary
Or to fight the darkness
I am my adversary
What a starkness
 
To live in society
Amitriptyline is required
To end anxiety
A new life is desired
 
Slow with limited derailments
Sleep too much
Drugged but no aliments
Amitriptyline is a crutch
 
Last time 10 mg
Then 20 and 30 mg
Then 40 to 70 mg
All the way to 80 mg
 
In the end
It began shirking
No more dividends
And it quit working
 
Better for awhile
To have some assistance
A pleasant smile
And a healthy existence

Adore

Adore
 
What is adore
How do we get there
Not a story of lore
But let me share
 
Starts as a nightingale
A crush on a caregiver
A common tale
To someone who can deliver
 
Smart Girl worked hard
To analyze me
Another patient on her dance card
She is my significant key
 
She found I walk funny
She sent me to a specialist
She was so sunny
She was excellent
 
I found her smart
I found her pretty
I found her a piece of art
I found her witty
 
Yes they fixed my pain
My leg quit hurting
Adverting the ball and chain
Now my interest was flirting
 
I asked her out
Once or twice
A difficult route
But worth the price
 
Took weeks and weeks
To win her over
Through valleys and peaks
She was a rover
 
A single mother
She has medical challenges
No men and does not want another
Just wants to keep her life in balance
 
I was not deterred
I was smitten
I was stirred
I needed to fit in
 
I met her needs
Little acts of kindness
Many small deeds
Growing our fondness
 
We talked and talked
We played and played
We shared and shared
We gave and gave
 
Life took off
We lived mightily
Enjoying life from a trough
We were a family
 
We ate dinner together
We walked the dog
We attended school events
We went on trips
 
She improved my condition
Reducing my stress
Eliminating my strange emission
Making my symptoms much less
 
Our lives proceeded
For a long period of time
Warning signs were unheeded
We had reached our prime
 
She had to choose
Old life or new
Two different views
Which one is true
 
I did not help
Wanting my way
All ended in a yelp
And a fray
 
I was frustrated
She was smothered
All issues debated
She was mothered
 
She was safe
She was secure
She was loved
She was dandy
 
No reason to change
No reason to move
No reason to exchange
No reason to improve
 
Our lives deteriorated
Too hard to maintain
I was patient and waited
Living through the strain
 
Talk and talk
Going to transform
Waiting out the clock
And get through the storm
 
I needed her
She nurtured me
I wanted her
She understood me
 
But it was not to be
Our love did not last
We lost our glee
Our lives were in the past
 
No new memories
No new adventures
No new experiences
No new experiments
 
My heart was broken
I was incredibly sad
She had spoken
Again a nomad
 
On my own
Living life
Life alone
No community strife
 
Just circumstances
Circumstances of anxiousness
Circumstances of nervousness
Circumstances of restiveness
 
This went on for a while
A routine of existence
Peaceful in exile
Not much resistance
 
The text came
For us to unite
Back in the game
Everything alright
 
We had not changed
Back to our truths
Nothing rearranged
Back to our youths
 
Playing ball
Going to pool
Watching movies
Holding hands
 
We had missed some days
We had not seen each other
We had made it through the haze
We had ended the pother
 
Smart Girl found a disorder
Sounding like my quirks
Almost like a hoarder
Of crazy weird works
 
I was diagnosed with it
How exciting and fresh
But it fit
I keep my pound of flesh
 
No death sentence
How grand
Learn tools of repentance
Tools to manage my land
 
Land of coziness
Land of familiarity
Land of closeness
Land of comradeliness
 
Journey back to the word
Adore worship admire
Love esteem honor preferred
My heart on fire
 
Unexpectantly
Our lives interrupted
Our future and destiny
Everything disrupted
 
Disrupted our utopia
Where do we go
Entering dystopia
We will not grow
 
Back to the same place
A prison of sorts
Not our own space
Our life distorts
 
Too many chiefs
Too many frustrations
Too many rules
Too many debates
 
We are a couple
It is up to us
Not very supple
Just more fuss
 
Hard enough with one
But two or three
Along with intentional shun
We will not be free
 
I want to respect
I want to admire
I want to cherish
I want to honor
 
I want to get along
I want to go with the flow
I want to be strong
I want to be in the show
 
But it has to be her and me
Our lives and decisions
We must unify and agree
To enjoy our visions
 
I gave up hope
Thinking it was done
Walking the tightrope
No life in the long run
 
She had made her choice
Months ago
I heard her voice
I was useless cargo
 
I was expendable
I was a throwaway
I was undefendable
I was a cliche
 
Moody
Crazy
Unstable
Wacky
 
Yes it is correct
I am not perfect
Last time I checked
But then she picked
 
She picked love
She picked romance
She picked affection
She picked one to kiss
 
She likes our playfulness
She likes our secureness
She likes our tenderness
She likes our togetherness
 
Adore is here
In all its glory
Shout and hear
Our great story
 
We have fun
And laugh
We have joy
And happiness
 
Adore is a journey
A road to travel
A grand tourney
Let us not unravel