Reset – Page 2 – Conrad Birmingham

Amitriptyline

Wow! Amitriptyline has reduced my symptoms by 99 percent. Good news, but the bad news it has diminished my ability to write, read, and concentrate by 100 percent. I am sleeping ten hours per day, and I am drugged up 3 hours per day. What a trade-off. Do you accept very few if any symptoms with limited to no reading and writing, or do you accept symptoms all day every day, but you can read and write?

bunch of white oval medication tablets and white medication capsules

On Amitriptyline, I am not falling backward, losing words, closing my eyes, wobbling left to right, less edgy, or unable to think, concentrate, or execute. I am more tolerable with fewer outbursts of emotions—definitely pluses and minuses there. I appear normal, just slower. I am not able to read, write, or read and perform plans like simple instructions. I am sleeping for eight to ten hours until eight in the morning, and I am drugged up 2 to 3 hours. I am very slow, and I do not have as much energy. I have not walked since I took medicine. I have no desire to walk. On Amitriptyline, I am not me. I am someone else.

I stopped taking Amitriptyline to see what would happen three days ago. Today, I can read, write, and I read directions on how to set up an SUV Tent. I am sleeping six to eight hours getting up at six in the morning feeling alive and not drugged up. I want to walk, and I did walk this morning. I wrote three simple blogs about COVID-19, camping, and Amitriptyline. I am edgier but excited about life. I am very enthusiastic about life. At the same time, all my symptoms have returned – falling backward, wobbling, neck hurting, closing eyes, overwhelmed, lost words, cannot express myself, and underattack at times where I can not think or concentrate. These attacks last a few minutes and go away. I am less able to control my filters and to contain myself. This is important to try to live with people and to be sociable.

I will have to decide. What kind of life do I want to live? What will be my quality of life? What type of relationships do I want to have since Amitirptyline makes a difference in my emotional temperament?

I am sharing this because I have realized that people go through so many things in their lives that you may never know or understand. How one drug can change your life for the better but make you into someone who you are not or who you may not want to be.

I want prayers to make the right decisions on how to pursue my life. My problems are not life-threatening or a death sentence—a considerable inconvenience to living life normally. Do I change my personality on the drug to eliminate my unusual symptoms or live the best I can with the symptoms and keep being me?

Leave me a prayer or give me some feedback.

The Drug

The Drug
 
Amitriptyline
Is my drug
Not really crystalline
I think like a slug
 
So very very dragging
So very very hampered
So very very lagging
So very very hammered
 
I can not think
I can not write
I can not read
I can not understand
 
I can walk
I can talk
I can exercise
I can drive
 
A trade off
Lose the crazy woes
Do not unbelieve or scoff
Or live in the shadows
 
Easier to be alone
Easier to hideaway
Easier to be my own
Easier to live that way
 
Live in solitary
Or to fight the darkness
I am my adversary
What a starkness
 
To live in society
Amitriptyline is required
To end anxiety
A new life is desired
 
Slow with limited derailments
Sleep too much
Drugged but no aliments
Amitriptyline is a crutch
 
Last time 10 mg
Then 20 and 30 mg
Then 40 to 70 mg
All the way to 80 mg
 
In the end
It began shirking
No more dividends
And it quit working
 
Better for awhile
To have some assistance
A pleasant smile
And a healthy existence

Checklist

Checklist
 
I have had one forever
Once it is on the list
A grand endeavor
Not to be missed
 
Get it done
Can be transposable
Not always fun
Quick as possible
 
Which one first
Which one second
Which one makes a difference
Which one is important
 
From A1 to C1
A ranking tactic
Works in the long run
Way too didactic
 
How did I get consumed
By this need to check it off
Too much to do I assumed
Me and my mighty trough
 
A trough of obsession
A trough of greed
A trough of pride
A trough of ambition
 
But where am I now
Chasing a disorder
Nothing but a sow
Who is out of order
 
I must throw the list away
Does not matter to me
Who cares if I stray
And become carefree
 
I have been told
Does it matter
In the past it was gold
Today dung splatter
 
I have changed
To get relief
Not to be deranged
But to reduce my grief
 
Go away systematic rules
To accomplish tasks
These are just tools
Anxiety and depression masks
 
Masks of fatigue
Masks of rages
Masks of technique
Masks of past ages
 
Take mine down
Get rid of it
I want to stay around
And keep my wit

Over Stimulation

I heard this word a bunch with Dr. Andrews. I knew what it meant, but I needed to make sure that I understood what Dr. Andrews was talking about in regards to my disorder – Functional Neurological Disorder (FND).

According to the Learners Dictionary, over stimulation is to cause (someone or something) to become too active or excited: to stimulate (someone or something) too much.

What was overstimulating for me? Really, there are so many things which can cause me to get active or excited:

Pretty Girl (Smart Girl)
Smart Girl’s child
Playing with children
Laughter
My kids
Good book
Bicycling
Yoga
Playing in pool
Going to beach
Good sermon
Share the gospel
Checklist
Meet new people
Concerts
Yardwork
Work
Running a business
Accomplishment
Life
Travel

The list can go on and on, but the definition mentions “too” or “too much.” Do all these things over stimulate me?

I have always been excitable and active. I could handle many things at one time. I could juggle many activities. I liked to move, to do, to progress, to succeed, and to accomplish. I had a checklist, and I wanted to check things off my list. I felt good when I make that checkmark

Once again, checking a checklist is not going to make me so overstimulated that I can not function, or I lose control. Or can it?

According to Dr. Andrews, it is not the checklist; it is the activities or the consequences of overdoing the activities. If I do too much, then it can overstimulate me and shut me down, especially if I am fatigued or experiencing slight episodes of the disorder. My triggers can activate, and they can be much worse.

What triggers FND?

Fatigue
Stress
Complicated problems
Doing too many things at one time
Work to long
Work too hard
Unreal expectations
Unsolvable problems
Irritants
Controversy
Pain
Illness
Disagreements
Arguments

What over stimulants trigger me?

Sunlight
Pain
Disagreements
Complicated Instructions
Tired
Stress – mental, physical, emotional
Negotiations
Complicated and long verbal conversations
Long-drawn out stories
Overindulge in exercise or work
Unnecessary questions
Lies
Selective memories
Illogical jibberish

How do you live in society if these things overstimulate you where you shut down or go into a rage?

Learn triggers
Reduce triggers
Avoid triggers
Simplify life
Get plenty of sleep
Stop doing too much
Learn how to rest triggers
Quit judging
Learn CBT
Learn DBT
Be grateful
Get back on Amitriptyline which has worked the best over last six years

Yes, I think some of what I write is redundant. I need to get a better grip on what is happening to me and how I need to proceed.

Does anyone know who teaches Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? West Tennessee, Memphis, or Nashville?

Functional Neurological Disorder

I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) on Wednesday on July 8th. According to National Organization for Rare Diseases, FND is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson or stroke.” This disorder is an improvement over my self diagnosed diseases and disorders. I am happy that I have it than the other alternatives.

For six years, I have struggled with a many weird issues which came and went at random. These issues are unpredictable and debilitating. I struggled with the unknown. When no one tells you, what is wrong with you, then you begin to wander through the possibilities. I found and latched on to Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) two years ago. I had 8 of 12 symptoms, and it was the only disease or disorder that described me. The doctors did not think I had it because I was too strong, but what were the alternatives? I sank into depression and anxiety.

I ran the gambit of possibilities. How long do I last? Will it be a painful death? Will I make it three years? Will I suffer? I did not believe the doctors who said you are too strong because they were not giving me any alternatives. These were no solutions; just wait until it manifests itself.

I did not want to wait until it manifests itself. I wanted answers now. Who wants to wait until it manifests itself, and then they say, “Oh, you had PSP sorry. Now, you will die in a year or 2.” To me, that was pure craziness!

A few weeks ago, Cynthia (Smart Girl) found Functional Neurological Disorder (FND), and we studied upon it on various websites. I got an appointment with a doctor in Little Rock who understood FND. I found him on FNDhope.org. I made an appointment with Dr. Andrews.

I visited Dr. Andrews on Wednesday, July 8th. Dr. Andrews and I talked for an hour. He says, yes, you have Functional Neurological Disorder, and Dr. Andrews believes my right leg trauma with knee replacement, hip surgery, and replacement and blood clots with the extreme pain made FND activate. I was delighted when he said you are too strong for PSP, and since Mayo and Vanderbilt have eliminated all possible physical symptoms, it has to be FND. I went from a disorder with a death sentence to a disorder you can learn to live with through training.

You must learn what triggers your disorder or attacks so you can react to the triggers better. Also, you need to learn how to reset the triggers to get back to normal as quickly as possible.
Here is a laundry list of things that I need to do to help myself:

• Keep exercising
• Keep doing yoga
• Keep eating a healthy diet
• Learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Learn Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
• Simplify your life
• Keep it simple
• Learn triggers
• Avoid triggers
• Minimize triggers
• Learn resets – stutter or unable to speak than sing a song and can not walk forwards then walk backwards
• Beware if you disliked something before disorder, then you hate it now.

Here are some examples of what I disliked before, and I now hate:

• I was not too fond of crowds, so crowds activate my symptoms.
• I did not like liars. Now, I hate liars.
• I did not like injustice? I despise injustice.
• I was intolerant of emotional hot-air rhetoric. I wouldn’t say I like rhetoric.
• I do not like drawn-out stories. Now, I have no patience for a long story.
• I do not enjoy genealogy (stuff with past). Wow, I guess it is a huge trigger.

These triggers can set me off to be rude, angry, or go to rage. Big problem!! I have always been feisty, argumentative, fiery, but it is a new uncontrollable level.

I have to learn to deactivate these triggers and not to let them bother me. I hope CBT and DBT give me the tools to do that.

Does anyone know any resets for triggers or a good list of reboots like singing a song for stutter and walk backwards to reset unable to step forward?