Birthday Again
I have another birthday
One more year
Let us downplay
And save the cheer
I have had many good ones
I plan to have many more
I have eaten cake in tons
I have blown out candles galore
What is one more celebration
We all celebrate them
Like the stars in the constellation
Routine and another ho hum
But what if I say
I am kidding
I want the display
I am admitting
Display the cake
Display the cards
Display the presents
Display the smiles
Five or Fifty
I want the recognition
Really cool and nifty
Bring on the magician and musician
I am happy everyone remembered
This special ceremonial occasion
Another numbered and rendered
Extending my life equation
I am delighted my loves are here
Kissing and hugging me
And I want to hear
Happy Birthday sung with glee
I have struggled for years, and I have searched for tools to help me live better. I want tools to help me learn what triggers my symptoms and how to reset the triggers as quickly as possible.
I have had ongoing issues for years, and no physical defects can be found beyond repaired damage to knee and hips along with blood clots. I have fallen backward; my neck hurts, my head hurts, my eyes get stressed, my head goes blank, my body wobbles, and many other little nuisances. No one has given me solutions to these issues except to drug me up and to make me into a zombie. I don’t particularly appreciate living this way. If anything, this lifestyle drives anxiety and depression, which activates, compounds, and exaggerated my issues.
The diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) opens new avenues to explore, including Cognitive behavior Theory and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). I am exploring these two tools, and I am seeking counselors to help me learn these tools and to apply them to my life.
Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is based on several core principles, including:
1. Psychological problems are based, in part, on faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking.
2. Psychological problems are based, in part, on learned patterns of unhelpful behavior.
3. People suffering from psychological problems can learn better ways of coping with them, thereby relieving their symptoms and becoming more effective in their lives.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.
I plan to write more about my journey, trying to understand these tools and how they are working to make my life better. I will add posts about other tools that I use to help, including breathing exercises, writing, exercising, and yoga—also, a post here and there about God and his provision for me. These tools and exercises do not compete with God. To me, they are the fruit of God’s existence.
I hope they may help you if you have sprouts of anxiety or depression.
Have any of you had any experiences with CBT or DBT? Did it help?
Wow! Amitriptyline has reduced my symptoms by 99 percent. Good news, but the bad news it has diminished my ability to write, read, and concentrate by 100 percent. I am sleeping ten hours per day, and I am drugged up 3 hours per day. What a trade-off. Do you accept very few if any symptoms with limited to no reading and writing, or do you accept symptoms all day every day, but you can read and write?
On Amitriptyline, I am not falling backward, losing words, closing my eyes, wobbling left to right, less edgy, or unable to think, concentrate, or execute. I am more tolerable with fewer outbursts of emotions—definitely pluses and minuses there. I appear normal, just slower. I am not able to read, write, or read and perform plans like simple instructions. I am sleeping for eight to ten hours until eight in the morning, and I am drugged up 2 to 3 hours. I am very slow, and I do not have as much energy. I have not walked since I took medicine. I have no desire to walk. On Amitriptyline, I am not me. I am someone else.
I stopped taking Amitriptyline to see what would happen three days ago. Today, I can read, write, and I read directions on how to set up an SUV Tent. I am sleeping six to eight hours getting up at six in the morning feeling alive and not drugged up. I want to walk, and I did walk this morning. I wrote three simple blogs about COVID-19, camping, and Amitriptyline. I am edgier but excited about life. I am very enthusiastic about life. At the same time, all my symptoms have returned – falling backward, wobbling, neck hurting, closing eyes, overwhelmed, lost words, cannot express myself, and underattack at times where I can not think or concentrate. These attacks last a few minutes and go away. I am less able to control my filters and to contain myself. This is important to try to live with people and to be sociable.
I will have to decide. What kind of life do I want to live? What will be my quality of life? What type of relationships do I want to have since Amitirptyline makes a difference in my emotional temperament?
I am sharing this because I have realized that people go through so many things in their lives that you may never know or understand. How one drug can change your life for the better but make you into someone who you are not or who you may not want to be.
I want prayers to make the right decisions on how to pursue my life. My problems are not life-threatening or a death sentence—a considerable inconvenience to living life normally. Do I change my personality on the drug to eliminate my unusual symptoms or live the best I can with the symptoms and keep being me?
My autobiography of poetry over the last fifty-eight years. Ha ha ha! I laugh too. I am a businessman who is retired, and he is trying to stay busy. I have no real talent at writing any type of writing except Quality Assurance Programs, Business Plans, Bible Study Notes, Business Price Quotes, Business Memos, Loan Requests, Consulting Reports, and all things business.
Uplifting Poems About the Death of a Loved One is a journey of my life, especially in the last five years. I have struggled through medical issues for these five years, including depression and anxiety. I am challenged with the belief that I have a disease that is not diagnosed, and I am going to die. True or not true, that is what I believe. He first book of poems works up to this obsession with death. The book of poems ends with hope.
Medical History last Five Years
History 2020
All symptoms, and if anything, they are worse. They vary based upon all kinds of factors.
One trip to Mayo Clinic, and nothing has changed except new symptoms. All they can tell me is to wait for it to manifest itself. There are no more tests and no more doctors. Thank the number one hospital in the world. Five visits are enough.
New Symptoms 2020
My brain locks up, and I can not talk. I know what I want to say, but it will not come out of my mouth. I am down 3 to 5 minutes, and then it comes out of me.
I cannot walk and do two things. If I am walking and I try to stir the soup or something on a plate or count something, then I fall left to the right, stop moving forward, and cannot talk. I can move backward then stop doing everything and reset. I can then walk forward.
History 2019
I quit going to doctors in 2019. After 48 doctors for so many things, I am sick of doctors, and I quit going after Mayo Clinic and Vanderbilt appointments at the first of the year. They used the exact same words – You need to wait for it to manifest itself. These issues persist:
Feet hurt, numb, and tingle
Hands hurt, numb and tingle
Neck hurts
Dizzy
Foggy
Forgetful
Slow
Shy away from bright lights
Falling backward or sideways
Unable to announce words, maybe stutter
I have quit chasing the cause of these, and I am just trying to live with them now. I have done an excellent job with reduced symptoms all of 2019 and in the months of August and September, especially. In those months, I had almost no symptoms at all.
I want to go on a new medicine which will cut the edge. I do not know if I have stress or anxiety. When I am off amitriptyline, I am more emotional. I rush to agitation, and frustration is quicker. The anger is not rage but similar without yelling and screaming. Well, George does not think this is a correct statement anymore. My friend and I talked about it being more adrenaline rushes. I am getting pumped up for something. I do not know what?
Jan to Dec– Everything occurs under many different combinations and circumstances
Feb – Joint Specialist
Jan – Blood Clots – hematologist – stay on the blood thinner
Jan -Vein Specialist – nothing to do with four blood clots. The leg will swell and hurt
History 2018
Mayo and Patterson Physical Therapy ( Beth Patterson and Cynthia Thomson) in Jackson, Tennessee, worked on these my knee, calf, and hip, and the majority of the pain have gone away. A combination of shoe orthotics, lost weight, exercise, yoga, and more expensive tennis shoes. I do not consider this a significant issue, just a nuisance.
I went to Mayo Clinic 4 times, and they eliminated all significant organs, diseases, etc. as possible candidates. They believe I have to wait for it to manifest itself into one block for a diagnosis. They took me off amitriptyline and put me on Lexapro – anxiety medicine, but that made my symptoms worse. I got off Lexapro. I went back on amitriptyline until Dec 2019.
I have seen 15 doctors over the past few years for a variety of issues, and I am trying to eliminate problems to find the root cause so I can feel better. All of these sometimes happen all the time, and sometimes one or two at a time. But it is something every day.
Knee hurts
Hip Hurts
Calf Hurts
Feet hurt, numb, and tingle
Hands hurt, numb and tingle
Neck hurts
Dizzy, foggy, forgetful, slow, overwhelmed in crowds, shy away from bright lights
Right foot swells
Right leg knee down swells
History 2017
Jan to June – Everything occurs under many different combinations and circumstances
July – A blood clot in the right leg. Leg stayed swollen for five months
Oct – Lost breath climbing stairs for two weeks went away
Nov – diagnosed Factor 5 … gene disorder causes blood to clot
Dec – MRI to recheck neck and spine – can not find out why lost use of right arm from the elbow down fishing
2016 – Continue to have knee and hip pain but all new issues too
Jan – MS Specialist Vanderbilt – not MS go to a neurologist
Feb – Neurologist Vanderbilt – MRI’s neck brain and spine show no damage or suspensions
Feb to Dec – Everything occurs under many different combinations and circumstances
History 2015
Knee and hip continue to hurt all year
Sept – I felt like I had a heart attack on a Saturday, but it went away after 1 hour. I did not go to the doctor. Thought it was vertigo.
Dec – Neurologist – neuropathy in hands and feet.
Sept to Dec – New issues of hand, feet, and neck pain. Dizziness, falling backward sensation, overwhelming in crowds, fuzzy, hazy
Jackson Doctor sends me to Vanderbilt
History 2014
Two Hip Surgeries – I slipped on ice in Jan, and one surgery to sew it up. The second surgery to replace it.
Blood Clot – I had a blood clot after hip replacement
History 2013
Knee replacement. I had a hard time bending it, and it had to be manipulated once. I finally got it to bend and was getting stronger
Pre – 2013
Three knee surgeries, shoulder surgery, ankle surgery
I have always had problems with my right knee since the age of 15.
