mywriting blog – Page 4 – Conrad Birmingham

No Fun

Where has the fun gone?

Where has the fun gone this year? No football, no concerts, no shopping, and no movies. We sit at home, and we see a different life—a life of sitting on the computer arguing politics or religion, binge-watching television programs, eating more and more food. We get out for errands, but we do not get out to enjoy life.

I miss visiting town centers where you can hear music or wander into coffee shops, bookstores, thrift stores, or antique stores. I am scared to venture out into crowds or unknown places or crowds of any size. I am not afraid for me, but for my loved ones who have underlying conditions where they might not survive the COVID-19 virus. I do not want to be the one who drags the virus back to them because I am selfish.

I know there are things that I can do when I go out not to bring the virus back to my loved ones, and here are a few suggestions.

Wear a mask. Yes and No? Does wearing a mask help? There is so much debate. I wear my mask everywhere I go including when I exercise. If you are going to exercise, then wearing a mask makes it harder to breathe, but it is making your body work harder. The point of the exercise is to work your body harder. Why not wear a mask and work your body harder?
I stay away from crowds, especially people I do not know. I am not talking about social distancing but much more. I shy away from groups of people. I do not get around crowds either walking around them or high tailing it through them as quickly as possible. I am not friendly, not trying to meet new people or create new friendships. I do not want prolonged conversations with people I do not know. I do not know how they act concerning protecting themselves from the virus. I do not want to take the risk.
I stay away from friends and family members who do not protect themselves from the virus. They do not wear their masks; they go shopping and out to dinner, and they do not have loved ones who might be susceptible to COVID-19. I avoid these people because they are taking too many risks.

I have ventured to the beach, and I have done these three things, and it has reduced my risk and my anxiety. I do not want to be the guy who infected his family with the COVID-19 virus. Doing these three things has not increased my fun this year, but it has protected my loved ones and me.

I wonder what to do this fall with no concerts or football games? What are you doing to have fun this fall?

The Drug

The Drug
 
Amitriptyline
Is my drug
Not really crystalline
I think like a slug
 
So very very dragging
So very very hampered
So very very lagging
So very very hammered
 
I can not think
I can not write
I can not read
I can not understand
 
I can walk
I can talk
I can exercise
I can drive
 
A trade off
Lose the crazy woes
Do not unbelieve or scoff
Or live in the shadows
 
Easier to be alone
Easier to hideaway
Easier to be my own
Easier to live that way
 
Live in solitary
Or to fight the darkness
I am my adversary
What a starkness
 
To live in society
Amitriptyline is required
To end anxiety
A new life is desired
 
Slow with limited derailments
Sleep too much
Drugged but no aliments
Amitriptyline is a crutch
 
Last time 10 mg
Then 20 and 30 mg
Then 40 to 70 mg
All the way to 80 mg
 
In the end
It began shirking
No more dividends
And it quit working
 
Better for awhile
To have some assistance
A pleasant smile
And a healthy existence

Adore

Adore
 
What is adore
How do we get there
Not a story of lore
But let me share
 
Starts as a nightingale
A crush on a caregiver
A common tale
To someone who can deliver
 
Smart Girl worked hard
To analyze me
Another patient on her dance card
She is my significant key
 
She found I walk funny
She sent me to a specialist
She was so sunny
She was excellent
 
I found her smart
I found her pretty
I found her a piece of art
I found her witty
 
Yes they fixed my pain
My leg quit hurting
Adverting the ball and chain
Now my interest was flirting
 
I asked her out
Once or twice
A difficult route
But worth the price
 
Took weeks and weeks
To win her over
Through valleys and peaks
She was a rover
 
A single mother
She has medical challenges
No men and does not want another
Just wants to keep her life in balance
 
I was not deterred
I was smitten
I was stirred
I needed to fit in
 
I met her needs
Little acts of kindness
Many small deeds
Growing our fondness
 
We talked and talked
We played and played
We shared and shared
We gave and gave
 
Life took off
We lived mightily
Enjoying life from a trough
We were a family
 
We ate dinner together
We walked the dog
We attended school events
We went on trips
 
She improved my condition
Reducing my stress
Eliminating my strange emission
Making my symptoms much less
 
Our lives proceeded
For a long period of time
Warning signs were unheeded
We had reached our prime
 
She had to choose
Old life or new
Two different views
Which one is true
 
I did not help
Wanting my way
All ended in a yelp
And a fray
 
I was frustrated
She was smothered
All issues debated
She was mothered
 
She was safe
She was secure
She was loved
She was dandy
 
No reason to change
No reason to move
No reason to exchange
No reason to improve
 
Our lives deteriorated
Too hard to maintain
I was patient and waited
Living through the strain
 
Talk and talk
Going to transform
Waiting out the clock
And get through the storm
 
I needed her
She nurtured me
I wanted her
She understood me
 
But it was not to be
Our love did not last
We lost our glee
Our lives were in the past
 
No new memories
No new adventures
No new experiences
No new experiments
 
My heart was broken
I was incredibly sad
She had spoken
Again a nomad
 
On my own
Living life
Life alone
No community strife
 
Just circumstances
Circumstances of anxiousness
Circumstances of nervousness
Circumstances of restiveness
 
This went on for a while
A routine of existence
Peaceful in exile
Not much resistance
 
The text came
For us to unite
Back in the game
Everything alright
 
We had not changed
Back to our truths
Nothing rearranged
Back to our youths
 
Playing ball
Going to pool
Watching movies
Holding hands
 
We had missed some days
We had not seen each other
We had made it through the haze
We had ended the pother
 
Smart Girl found a disorder
Sounding like my quirks
Almost like a hoarder
Of crazy weird works
 
I was diagnosed with it
How exciting and fresh
But it fit
I keep my pound of flesh
 
No death sentence
How grand
Learn tools of repentance
Tools to manage my land
 
Land of coziness
Land of familiarity
Land of closeness
Land of comradeliness
 
Journey back to the word
Adore worship admire
Love esteem honor preferred
My heart on fire
 
Unexpectantly
Our lives interrupted
Our future and destiny
Everything disrupted
 
Disrupted our utopia
Where do we go
Entering dystopia
We will not grow
 
Back to the same place
A prison of sorts
Not our own space
Our life distorts
 
Too many chiefs
Too many frustrations
Too many rules
Too many debates
 
We are a couple
It is up to us
Not very supple
Just more fuss
 
Hard enough with one
But two or three
Along with intentional shun
We will not be free
 
I want to respect
I want to admire
I want to cherish
I want to honor
 
I want to get along
I want to go with the flow
I want to be strong
I want to be in the show
 
But it has to be her and me
Our lives and decisions
We must unify and agree
To enjoy our visions
 
I gave up hope
Thinking it was done
Walking the tightrope
No life in the long run
 
She had made her choice
Months ago
I heard her voice
I was useless cargo
 
I was expendable
I was a throwaway
I was undefendable
I was a cliche
 
Moody
Crazy
Unstable
Wacky
 
Yes it is correct
I am not perfect
Last time I checked
But then she picked
 
She picked love
She picked romance
She picked affection
She picked one to kiss
 
She likes our playfulness
She likes our secureness
She likes our tenderness
She likes our togetherness
 
Adore is here
In all its glory
Shout and hear
Our great story
 
We have fun
And laugh
We have joy
And happiness
 
Adore is a journey
A road to travel
A grand tourney
Let us not unravel

Functional Neurological Disorder

I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) on Wednesday on July 8th. According to National Organization for Rare Diseases, FND is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson or stroke.” This disorder is an improvement over my self diagnosed diseases and disorders. I am happy that I have it than the other alternatives.

For six years, I have struggled with a many weird issues which came and went at random. These issues are unpredictable and debilitating. I struggled with the unknown. When no one tells you, what is wrong with you, then you begin to wander through the possibilities. I found and latched on to Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) two years ago. I had 8 of 12 symptoms, and it was the only disease or disorder that described me. The doctors did not think I had it because I was too strong, but what were the alternatives? I sank into depression and anxiety.

I ran the gambit of possibilities. How long do I last? Will it be a painful death? Will I make it three years? Will I suffer? I did not believe the doctors who said you are too strong because they were not giving me any alternatives. These were no solutions; just wait until it manifests itself.

I did not want to wait until it manifests itself. I wanted answers now. Who wants to wait until it manifests itself, and then they say, “Oh, you had PSP sorry. Now, you will die in a year or 2.” To me, that was pure craziness!

A few weeks ago, Cynthia (Smart Girl) found Functional Neurological Disorder (FND), and we studied upon it on various websites. I got an appointment with a doctor in Little Rock who understood FND. I found him on FNDhope.org. I made an appointment with Dr. Andrews.

I visited Dr. Andrews on Wednesday, July 8th. Dr. Andrews and I talked for an hour. He says, yes, you have Functional Neurological Disorder, and Dr. Andrews believes my right leg trauma with knee replacement, hip surgery, and replacement and blood clots with the extreme pain made FND activate. I was delighted when he said you are too strong for PSP, and since Mayo and Vanderbilt have eliminated all possible physical symptoms, it has to be FND. I went from a disorder with a death sentence to a disorder you can learn to live with through training.

You must learn what triggers your disorder or attacks so you can react to the triggers better. Also, you need to learn how to reset the triggers to get back to normal as quickly as possible.
Here is a laundry list of things that I need to do to help myself:

• Keep exercising
• Keep doing yoga
• Keep eating a healthy diet
• Learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
• Learn Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)
• Simplify your life
• Keep it simple
• Learn triggers
• Avoid triggers
• Minimize triggers
• Learn resets – stutter or unable to speak than sing a song and can not walk forwards then walk backwards
• Beware if you disliked something before disorder, then you hate it now.

Here are some examples of what I disliked before, and I now hate:

• I was not too fond of crowds, so crowds activate my symptoms.
• I did not like liars. Now, I hate liars.
• I did not like injustice? I despise injustice.
• I was intolerant of emotional hot-air rhetoric. I wouldn’t say I like rhetoric.
• I do not like drawn-out stories. Now, I have no patience for a long story.
• I do not enjoy genealogy (stuff with past). Wow, I guess it is a huge trigger.

These triggers can set me off to be rude, angry, or go to rage. Big problem!! I have always been feisty, argumentative, fiery, but it is a new uncontrollable level.

I have to learn to deactivate these triggers and not to let them bother me. I hope CBT and DBT give me the tools to do that.

Does anyone know any resets for triggers or a good list of reboots like singing a song for stutter and walk backwards to reset unable to step forward?

People in Your Life

People in Your Life
 
People come and go
Part of our life
And it is so
Some through strife
 
Harder for some
To keep it together
Always so dumb
Bad or fair weather
 
Prideful
Arrogant
Selfish
Belligerent
 
To name a few
But more to ask for
If you care to view
Here are more
 
Life circumstances
Life traumas
Life illnesses
Life mysteries
 
All kinds of reasons
To be a jerk
In all seasons
To go berserk
 
How you act
Is how you are framed
Try to use tact
Or you get blamed
 
You cannot hide
For exceptionally long
Sooner or later you slide
You are not that strong
 
To keep it at bay
To keep it hidden
To keep it suppressed
To keep it smothered
 
Useless effort
Try to isolate
To be better
Is one trait
 
Force others away
So be by yourself
No one to play
Just pictures on the shelf
 
A lonely crutch
To protect your outbursts
People are too much
These are not unique firsts
 
Social distancing
Endless therapy
Countless medicines
Retreats and asylums
 
Doctors galore
Psychobabble
What a bore
Good for the rabble
 
But the worse cases
Must be dumbed down
See it in their faces
The emotionless frowns
 
Pump them with drugs
To make them acceptable
No longer thugs
Almost respectable
 
They might be slow
They might drool
They might be lazy
They might be dim
 
But they are tamed
They can be presented
And beautifully framed
Sat in the corner ornamented
 
I do not want to be dampened
I do not want to be unnoticed
I do not want to be a simpleton
I do not want to be devalued
 
But to live in peace
To live with immunity
To live it must cease
To live in unity
 
Cease the anger
Cease the explosion
Cease the banter
Cease the implosion
 
Make a choice
Or stay in a cave
And listen to your own voice
And be your own slave