The Drug
Amitriptyline
Is my drug
Not really crystalline
I think like a slug
So very very dragging
So very very hampered
So very very lagging
So very very hammered
I can not think
I can not write
I can not read
I can not understand
I can walk
I can talk
I can exercise
I can drive
A trade off
Lose the crazy woes
Do not unbelieve or scoff
Or live in the shadows
Easier to be alone
Easier to hideaway
Easier to be my own
Easier to live that way
Live in solitary
Or to fight the darkness
I am my adversary
What a starkness
To live in society
Amitriptyline is required
To end anxiety
A new life is desired
Slow with limited derailments
Sleep too much
Drugged but no aliments
Amitriptyline is a crutch
Last time 10 mg
Then 20 and 30 mg
Then 40 to 70 mg
All the way to 80 mg
In the end
It began shirking
No more dividends
And it quit working
Better for awhile
To have some assistance
A pleasant smile
And a healthy existence
Adore
What is adore
How do we get there
Not a story of lore
But let me share
Starts as a nightingale
A crush on a caregiver
A common tale
To someone who can deliver
Smart Girl worked hard
To analyze me
Another patient on her dance card
She is my significant key
She found I walk funny
She sent me to a specialist
She was so sunny
She was excellent
I found her smart
I found her pretty
I found her a piece of art
I found her witty
Yes they fixed my pain
My leg quit hurting
Adverting the ball and chain
Now my interest was flirting
I asked her out
Once or twice
A difficult route
But worth the price
Took weeks and weeks
To win her over
Through valleys and peaks
She was a rover
A single mother
She has medical challenges
No men and does not want another
Just wants to keep her life in balance
I was not deterred
I was smitten
I was stirred
I needed to fit in
I met her needs
Little acts of kindness
Many small deeds
Growing our fondness
We talked and talked
We played and played
We shared and shared
We gave and gave
Life took off
We lived mightily
Enjoying life from a trough
We were a family
We ate dinner together
We walked the dog
We attended school events
We went on trips
She improved my condition
Reducing my stress
Eliminating my strange emission
Making my symptoms much less
Our lives proceeded
For a long period of time
Warning signs were unheeded
We had reached our prime
She had to choose
Old life or new
Two different views
Which one is true
I did not help
Wanting my way
All ended in a yelp
And a fray
I was frustrated
She was smothered
All issues debated
She was mothered
She was safe
She was secure
She was loved
She was dandy
No reason to change
No reason to move
No reason to exchange
No reason to improve
Our lives deteriorated
Too hard to maintain
I was patient and waited
Living through the strain
Talk and talk
Going to transform
Waiting out the clock
And get through the storm
I needed her
She nurtured me
I wanted her
She understood me
But it was not to be
Our love did not last
We lost our glee
Our lives were in the past
No new memories
No new adventures
No new experiences
No new experiments
My heart was broken
I was incredibly sad
She had spoken
Again a nomad
On my own
Living life
Life alone
No community strife
Just circumstances
Circumstances of anxiousness
Circumstances of nervousness
Circumstances of restiveness
This went on for a while
A routine of existence
Peaceful in exile
Not much resistance
The text came
For us to unite
Back in the game
Everything alright
We had not changed
Back to our truths
Nothing rearranged
Back to our youths
Playing ball
Going to pool
Watching movies
Holding hands
We had missed some days
We had not seen each other
We had made it through the haze
We had ended the pother
Smart Girl found a disorder
Sounding like my quirks
Almost like a hoarder
Of crazy weird works
I was diagnosed with it
How exciting and fresh
But it fit
I keep my pound of flesh
No death sentence
How grand
Learn tools of repentance
Tools to manage my land
Land of coziness
Land of familiarity
Land of closeness
Land of comradeliness
Journey back to the word
Adore worship admire
Love esteem honor preferred
My heart on fire
Unexpectantly
Our lives interrupted
Our future and destiny
Everything disrupted
Disrupted our utopia
Where do we go
Entering dystopia
We will not grow
Back to the same place
A prison of sorts
Not our own space
Our life distorts
Too many chiefs
Too many frustrations
Too many rules
Too many debates
We are a couple
It is up to us
Not very supple
Just more fuss
Hard enough with one
But two or three
Along with intentional shun
We will not be free
I want to respect
I want to admire
I want to cherish
I want to honor
I want to get along
I want to go with the flow
I want to be strong
I want to be in the show
But it has to be her and me
Our lives and decisions
We must unify and agree
To enjoy our visions
I gave up hope
Thinking it was done
Walking the tightrope
No life in the long run
She had made her choice
Months ago
I heard her voice
I was useless cargo
I was expendable
I was a throwaway
I was undefendable
I was a cliche
Moody
Crazy
Unstable
Wacky
Yes it is correct
I am not perfect
Last time I checked
But then she picked
She picked love
She picked romance
She picked affection
She picked one to kiss
She likes our playfulness
She likes our secureness
She likes our tenderness
She likes our togetherness
Adore is here
In all its glory
Shout and hear
Our great story
We have fun
And laugh
We have joy
And happiness
Adore is a journey
A road to travel
A grand tourney
Let us not unravel
Checklist
I have had one forever
Once it is on the list
A grand endeavor
Not to be missed
Get it done
Can be transposable
Not always fun
Quick as possible
Which one first
Which one second
Which one makes a difference
Which one is important
From A1 to C1
A ranking tactic
Works in the long run
Way too didactic
How did I get consumed
By this need to check it off
Too much to do I assumed
Me and my mighty trough
A trough of obsession
A trough of greed
A trough of pride
A trough of ambition
But where am I now
Chasing a disorder
Nothing but a sow
Who is out of order
I must throw the list away
Does not matter to me
Who cares if I stray
And become carefree
I have been told
Does it matter
In the past it was gold
Today dung splatter
I have changed
To get relief
Not to be deranged
But to reduce my grief
Go away systematic rules
To accomplish tasks
These are just tools
Anxiety and depression masks
Masks of fatigue
Masks of rages
Masks of technique
Masks of past ages
Take mine down
Get rid of it
I want to stay around
And keep my wit
I heard this word a bunch with Dr. Andrews. I knew what it meant, but I needed to make sure that I understood what Dr. Andrews was talking about in regards to my disorder – Functional Neurological Disorder (FND).
According to the Learners Dictionary, over stimulation is to cause (someone or something) to become too active or excited: to stimulate (someone or something) too much.
What was overstimulating for me? Really, there are so many things which can cause me to get active or excited:
Pretty Girl (Smart Girl)
Smart Girl’s child
Playing with children
Laughter
My kids
Good book
Bicycling
Yoga
Playing in pool
Going to beach
Good sermon
Share the gospel
Checklist
Meet new people
Concerts
Yardwork
Work
Running a business
Accomplishment
Life
Travel
The list can go on and on, but the definition mentions “too” or “too much.” Do all these things over stimulate me?
I have always been excitable and active. I could handle many things at one time. I could juggle many activities. I liked to move, to do, to progress, to succeed, and to accomplish. I had a checklist, and I wanted to check things off my list. I felt good when I make that checkmark
Once again, checking a checklist is not going to make me so overstimulated that I can not function, or I lose control. Or can it?
According to Dr. Andrews, it is not the checklist; it is the activities or the consequences of overdoing the activities. If I do too much, then it can overstimulate me and shut me down, especially if I am fatigued or experiencing slight episodes of the disorder. My triggers can activate, and they can be much worse.
What triggers FND?
Fatigue
Stress
Complicated problems
Doing too many things at one time
Work to long
Work too hard
Unreal expectations
Unsolvable problems
Irritants
Controversy
Pain
Illness
Disagreements
Arguments
What over stimulants trigger me?
Sunlight
Pain
Disagreements
Complicated Instructions
Tired
Stress – mental, physical, emotional
Negotiations
Complicated and long verbal conversations
Long-drawn out stories
Overindulge in exercise or work
Unnecessary questions
Lies
Selective memories
Illogical jibberish
How do you live in society if these things overstimulate you where you shut down or go into a rage?
Learn triggers
Reduce triggers
Avoid triggers
Simplify life
Get plenty of sleep
Stop doing too much
Learn how to rest triggers
Quit judging
Learn CBT
Learn DBT
Be grateful
Get back on Amitriptyline which has worked the best over last six years
Yes, I think some of what I write is redundant. I need to get a better grip on what is happening to me and how I need to proceed.
Does anyone know who teaches Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? West Tennessee, Memphis, or Nashville?
I was diagnosed with Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) on Wednesday on July 8th. According to National Organization for Rare Diseases, FND is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson or stroke.” This disorder is an improvement over my self diagnosed diseases and disorders. I am happy that I have it than the other alternatives.
For six years, I have struggled with a many weird issues which came and went at random. These issues are unpredictable and debilitating. I struggled with the unknown. When no one tells you, what is wrong with you, then you begin to wander through the possibilities. I found and latched on to Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) two years ago. I had 8 of 12 symptoms, and it was the only disease or disorder that described me. The doctors did not think I had it because I was too strong, but what were the alternatives? I sank into depression and anxiety.
I ran the gambit of possibilities. How long do I last? Will it be a painful death? Will I make it three years? Will I suffer? I did not believe the doctors who said you are too strong because they were not giving me any alternatives. These were no solutions; just wait until it manifests itself.
I did not want to wait until it manifests itself. I wanted answers now. Who wants to wait until it manifests itself, and then they say, “Oh, you had PSP sorry. Now, you will die in a year or 2.” To me, that was pure craziness!
A few weeks ago, Cynthia (Smart Girl) found Functional Neurological Disorder (FND), and we studied upon it on various websites. I got an appointment with a doctor in Little Rock who understood FND. I found him on FNDhope.org. I made an appointment with Dr. Andrews.
I visited Dr. Andrews on Wednesday, July 8th. Dr. Andrews and I talked for an hour. He says, yes, you have Functional Neurological Disorder, and Dr. Andrews believes my right leg trauma with knee replacement, hip surgery, and replacement and blood clots with the extreme pain made FND activate. I was delighted when he said you are too strong for PSP, and since Mayo and Vanderbilt have eliminated all possible physical symptoms, it has to be FND. I went from a disorder with a death sentence to a disorder you can learn to live with through training.
You must learn what triggers your disorder or attacks so you can react to the triggers better. Also, you need to learn how to reset the triggers to get back to normal as quickly as possible. Here is a laundry list of things that I need to do to help myself:
• Keep exercising • Keep doing yoga • Keep eating a healthy diet • Learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) • Learn Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) • Simplify your life • Keep it simple • Learn triggers • Avoid triggers • Minimize triggers • Learn resets – stutter or unable to speak than sing a song and can not walk forwards then walk backwards • Beware if you disliked something before disorder, then you hate it now.
Here are some examples of what I disliked before, and I now hate:
• I was not too fond of crowds, so crowds activate my symptoms. • I did not like liars. Now, I hate liars. • I did not like injustice? I despise injustice. • I was intolerant of emotional hot-air rhetoric. I wouldn’t say I like rhetoric. • I do not like drawn-out stories. Now, I have no patience for a long story. • I do not enjoy genealogy (stuff with past). Wow, I guess it is a huge trigger.
These triggers can set me off to be rude, angry, or go to rage. Big problem!! I have always been feisty, argumentative, fiery, but it is a new uncontrollable level.
I have to learn to deactivate these triggers and not to let them bother me. I hope CBT and DBT give me the tools to do that.
Does anyone know any resets for triggers or a good list of reboots like singing a song for stutter and walk backwards to reset unable to step forward?
