Journey – Page 12 – Conrad Birmingham

Sailing the Lee

Sailing the Lee
 
I have sailed
Along the lee shore
Sometimes jailed
A situation not to ignore
 
I cannot escape
The wind pushing me hard
Unable to make my sail shape
Act quick or my boat scarred
 
Wrecked upon the rocks
Wrecked upon the reef
Wrecked upon the shoal
Wrecked upon the beach
 
Why keep the boat
Why not swim away
Why not jump and float
Why not go your way
 
I hate to leave my vessel
A good looking ship
Easy to sail and wrestle
Wrestle and ride on a trip
 
Or wasting my life
Hoping to reach or tack
To a safe point with no strife
With wind to my back
 
But where is the fun
Where is the excitement
A blast compared to none
Enticement and incitement
 
Close hauled along the edge
Water breaking over the bow
I have not hedged or pledged
To give up and quit now
 
Flying through the water
The boat lifted high
There is a breakwater
Safety is nearby
 
But why oh why
Do I reduce sail
Or tack and glide by
Using the gale
 
I will miss the challenge
I will miss my love
I will miss the satisfaction
I will miss the gratification
 
There is nothing like her
There is nothing to compare
There are emotions to stir
There are moments to share
 
I plan to sail on
Catching the wind
Until the emotion is gone
Or just left behind
 
Behind in the docks
Or on its trailer
Or sitting on blocks
Missing its sailor

Family

Family
 
Do you enjoy
Your family
Or is it a ploy
Or an anomaly
 
A ploy to get money
A ploy to get affection
A ploy to be funny
A ploy for connection
 
A connection to what
A connection to who
A connection in my gut
A connection made of glue
 
Join us together
Fasten us to each other
A common tether
Mother or brother
 
Is this common
Is this normal
Is this unusual
Is this irregular
 
No it is not
For many to live
Relatives not forgot
Families to thrive
 
What is the common thread
Families to proceed
Is it the homestead
Or blood of a family creed
 
A creed to love
A creed to support
A creed to encourage
A creed to equally share
 
Generation to generation
Forgive one another
Give for the duration
Smother and smother
 
Smother with love
Smother with kindness
Smother with resources
Smother with mercy
 
Mercy is the hardest
When we feel wronged
But we can harness
By remembering we belonged
 
Belonged to a family line
Belonged to a congregation
Belonged to the vine
Belonged to a narration
 
A narration to work together
A narration to read
A narration to learn
A narration to believe
 
Believe in God
Believe in kin
Believe all are flawed
Believe we all sin
 
Sin is there
Every single day
Repent with prayer
Believe and pray
 
God is first
Family second
Our nation third
And there is no fourth
 
Align on one
Read the one
Learn the one
Worship the one
 
Forgive those in two
Love those in two
Show mercy to those in two
Share with those in two
 
Honor those in three
Respect those in three
Support those in three
Affirm those in three
 
Teach yours these
Time and time again
These are the keys
Our family will remain

Happy Birthday Again



Birthday Again
 
I have another birthday
One more year
Let us downplay
And save the cheer
 
I have had many good ones
I plan to have many more
I have eaten cake in tons
I have blown out candles galore
 
What is one more celebration
We all celebrate them
Like the stars in the constellation
Routine and another ho hum
 
But what if I say
I am kidding
I want the display
I am admitting
 
Display the cake
Display the cards
Display the presents
Display the smiles
 
Five or Fifty
I want the recognition
Really cool and nifty
Bring on the magician and musician
 
I am happy everyone remembered
This special ceremonial occasion
Another numbered and rendered
Extending my life equation
 
I am delighted my loves are here
Kissing and hugging me
And I want to hear
Happy Birthday sung with glee

Tools to Help me Live

I have struggled for years, and I have searched for tools to help me live better. I want tools to help me learn what triggers my symptoms and how to reset the triggers as quickly as possible.

I have had ongoing issues for years, and no physical defects can be found beyond repaired damage to knee and hips along with blood clots. I have fallen backward; my neck hurts, my head hurts, my eyes get stressed, my head goes blank, my body wobbles, and many other little nuisances. No one has given me solutions to these issues except to drug me up and to make me into a zombie. I don’t particularly appreciate living this way. If anything, this lifestyle drives anxiety and depression, which activates, compounds, and exaggerated my issues.

The diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) opens new avenues to explore, including Cognitive behavior Theory and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). I am exploring these two tools, and I am seeking counselors to help me learn these tools and to apply them to my life.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is based on several core principles, including:

1. Psychological problems are based, in part, on faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking.

2. Psychological problems are based, in part, on learned patterns of unhelpful behavior.

3. People suffering from psychological problems can learn better ways of coping with them, thereby relieving their symptoms and becoming more effective in their lives.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral#

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.

https://www.verywellmind.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-1067402#citation-1

The Linehan Institute Behavioral Tech. What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? 2017.

I plan to write more about my journey, trying to understand these tools and how they are working to make my life better. I will add posts about other tools that I use to help, including breathing exercises, writing, exercising, and yoga—also, a post here and there about God and his provision for me. These tools and exercises do not compete with God. To me, they are the fruit of God’s existence.

I hope they may help you if you have sprouts of anxiety or depression.

Have any of you had any experiences with CBT or DBT? Did it help?

Amitriptyline

Wow! Amitriptyline has reduced my symptoms by 99 percent. Good news, but the bad news it has diminished my ability to write, read, and concentrate by 100 percent. I am sleeping ten hours per day, and I am drugged up 3 hours per day. What a trade-off. Do you accept very few if any symptoms with limited to no reading and writing, or do you accept symptoms all day every day, but you can read and write?

bunch of white oval medication tablets and white medication capsules

On Amitriptyline, I am not falling backward, losing words, closing my eyes, wobbling left to right, less edgy, or unable to think, concentrate, or execute. I am more tolerable with fewer outbursts of emotions—definitely pluses and minuses there. I appear normal, just slower. I am not able to read, write, or read and perform plans like simple instructions. I am sleeping for eight to ten hours until eight in the morning, and I am drugged up 2 to 3 hours. I am very slow, and I do not have as much energy. I have not walked since I took medicine. I have no desire to walk. On Amitriptyline, I am not me. I am someone else.

I stopped taking Amitriptyline to see what would happen three days ago. Today, I can read, write, and I read directions on how to set up an SUV Tent. I am sleeping six to eight hours getting up at six in the morning feeling alive and not drugged up. I want to walk, and I did walk this morning. I wrote three simple blogs about COVID-19, camping, and Amitriptyline. I am edgier but excited about life. I am very enthusiastic about life. At the same time, all my symptoms have returned – falling backward, wobbling, neck hurting, closing eyes, overwhelmed, lost words, cannot express myself, and underattack at times where I can not think or concentrate. These attacks last a few minutes and go away. I am less able to control my filters and to contain myself. This is important to try to live with people and to be sociable.

I will have to decide. What kind of life do I want to live? What will be my quality of life? What type of relationships do I want to have since Amitirptyline makes a difference in my emotional temperament?

I am sharing this because I have realized that people go through so many things in their lives that you may never know or understand. How one drug can change your life for the better but make you into someone who you are not or who you may not want to be.

I want prayers to make the right decisions on how to pursue my life. My problems are not life-threatening or a death sentence—a considerable inconvenience to living life normally. Do I change my personality on the drug to eliminate my unusual symptoms or live the best I can with the symptoms and keep being me?

Leave me a prayer or give me some feedback.