friends – Page 4 – Conrad Birmingham

Tools to Help me Live

I have struggled for years, and I have searched for tools to help me live better. I want tools to help me learn what triggers my symptoms and how to reset the triggers as quickly as possible.

I have had ongoing issues for years, and no physical defects can be found beyond repaired damage to knee and hips along with blood clots. I have fallen backward; my neck hurts, my head hurts, my eyes get stressed, my head goes blank, my body wobbles, and many other little nuisances. No one has given me solutions to these issues except to drug me up and to make me into a zombie. I don’t particularly appreciate living this way. If anything, this lifestyle drives anxiety and depression, which activates, compounds, and exaggerated my issues.

The diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) opens new avenues to explore, including Cognitive behavior Theory and Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). I am exploring these two tools, and I am seeking counselors to help me learn these tools and to apply them to my life.

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is based on several core principles, including:

1. Psychological problems are based, in part, on faulty or unhelpful ways of thinking.

2. Psychological problems are based, in part, on learned patterns of unhelpful behavior.

3. People suffering from psychological problems can learn better ways of coping with them, thereby relieving their symptoms and becoming more effective in their lives.

https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral#

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy. Its main goals are to teach people how to live in the moment, develop healthy ways to cope with stress, regulate their emotions, and improve their relationships with others.

https://www.verywellmind.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy-1067402#citation-1

The Linehan Institute Behavioral Tech. What Is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)? 2017.

I plan to write more about my journey, trying to understand these tools and how they are working to make my life better. I will add posts about other tools that I use to help, including breathing exercises, writing, exercising, and yoga—also, a post here and there about God and his provision for me. These tools and exercises do not compete with God. To me, they are the fruit of God’s existence.

I hope they may help you if you have sprouts of anxiety or depression.

Have any of you had any experiences with CBT or DBT? Did it help?

Amitriptyline

Wow! Amitriptyline has reduced my symptoms by 99 percent. Good news, but the bad news it has diminished my ability to write, read, and concentrate by 100 percent. I am sleeping ten hours per day, and I am drugged up 3 hours per day. What a trade-off. Do you accept very few if any symptoms with limited to no reading and writing, or do you accept symptoms all day every day, but you can read and write?

bunch of white oval medication tablets and white medication capsules

On Amitriptyline, I am not falling backward, losing words, closing my eyes, wobbling left to right, less edgy, or unable to think, concentrate, or execute. I am more tolerable with fewer outbursts of emotions—definitely pluses and minuses there. I appear normal, just slower. I am not able to read, write, or read and perform plans like simple instructions. I am sleeping for eight to ten hours until eight in the morning, and I am drugged up 2 to 3 hours. I am very slow, and I do not have as much energy. I have not walked since I took medicine. I have no desire to walk. On Amitriptyline, I am not me. I am someone else.

I stopped taking Amitriptyline to see what would happen three days ago. Today, I can read, write, and I read directions on how to set up an SUV Tent. I am sleeping six to eight hours getting up at six in the morning feeling alive and not drugged up. I want to walk, and I did walk this morning. I wrote three simple blogs about COVID-19, camping, and Amitriptyline. I am edgier but excited about life. I am very enthusiastic about life. At the same time, all my symptoms have returned – falling backward, wobbling, neck hurting, closing eyes, overwhelmed, lost words, cannot express myself, and underattack at times where I can not think or concentrate. These attacks last a few minutes and go away. I am less able to control my filters and to contain myself. This is important to try to live with people and to be sociable.

I will have to decide. What kind of life do I want to live? What will be my quality of life? What type of relationships do I want to have since Amitirptyline makes a difference in my emotional temperament?

I am sharing this because I have realized that people go through so many things in their lives that you may never know or understand. How one drug can change your life for the better but make you into someone who you are not or who you may not want to be.

I want prayers to make the right decisions on how to pursue my life. My problems are not life-threatening or a death sentence—a considerable inconvenience to living life normally. Do I change my personality on the drug to eliminate my unusual symptoms or live the best I can with the symptoms and keep being me?

Leave me a prayer or give me some feedback.

Camping?

Camping? Really?

What can I do this fall with less contact with the outside world? One way to protect me from COVID-19 is camping. How about camping? I have not camped in a long time, and I wonder what it would be like to camp this fall. Has camping changed that much since I last camped 20 years ago?

I do not have any personal experience camping. My gut feeling is that it has not changed any in the past 20 years. I can do my usual research reading articles about it on the web, but does that capture the actual state of the camping world, especially with inexperienced campers. If it was just me, I could tough it out, and I would have a good time no matter what. You make your fun as you find it.

My camping trip will include an eight-year-old girl. Yes, an eight-year-old girl who has never been camping before. I do not know if she can handle all of the negative things that can happen on a camping trip. She might not be able to roll with the punches or go with the flow. How will she survive no internet or television?

I plan to share a list of negatives with my eight-year-old camping buddy, and here is my list.

Bugs! Who wants to spend the night with bugs? A wasp flies by, and this eight-year-old ducks for cover. If she runs into a spider web, she screams bloody murder. I did too as a kid. I know these events will happen as they have on every camping trip before and after this trip. Do not forget mosquitoes. My only solution is bug spray.
Rain! I do not want to be in the rain for any length of time. I am a fair-weather camper, just like a fair-weather sailor. If rain is in the forecast, then there will be no campout. If a storm blows up, I will go home or climb into my SUV Tent. I purchased an SUV Tent so we can jump into the back of the SUV to get away from nature – bugs, rain, heat, etc. Also, it is an excellent second tent or bedroom on a camping trip. The SUV Tent is one thing that has changed in the past 20 years, and I hope it is a game-changer. My fingers are crossed.
Hot, humid weather! I plan to camp in the fall when the low temperatures at night will be in the low sixties. I do not want to be hot trying to sleep outside with an eight-year-old child, bugs, and the possibility of rain. Plan my trip when it will be cool at night is the best option.
No television or wifi! I do not know if any kids can get through life without television or wifi. I know this eight-year-old is no exception to the rule. If I keep her busy hiking, kayaking, star watching, and storytelling, I think we can survive. She has an imagination, and she is curious, so I can tap those two things to get past no television or wifi. I think this is a huge positive for the camping trip.

I am listing one positive to counter the negatives. Get out of the house! I can not explain, or do I have to explain how horrible just sitting in the house during the COVID-19 virus pandemic? Everyone gets edgy, but an eight-year-old with plenty of energy is the edgiest of all. We can ride bicycles and play in and out and around the house only so much. She needs an outlet. She needs to roam. The trip to the beach did her wonders. I hope a trip to the great outdoors will be unique and fun and give her a boost.

I am sure everything will not go perfectly, but it is part of the journey. I hope my eight-year-old camping buddy sees it the same way. If it goes well, we can go camping some more, and if it goes wrong, we will never go camping again.

What negative experiences have you had camping? What do you consider the great positives of camping? Do you have any great tips for my camping trip this fall?

No Fun

Where has the fun gone?

Where has the fun gone this year? No football, no concerts, no shopping, and no movies. We sit at home, and we see a different life—a life of sitting on the computer arguing politics or religion, binge-watching television programs, eating more and more food. We get out for errands, but we do not get out to enjoy life.

I miss visiting town centers where you can hear music or wander into coffee shops, bookstores, thrift stores, or antique stores. I am scared to venture out into crowds or unknown places or crowds of any size. I am not afraid for me, but for my loved ones who have underlying conditions where they might not survive the COVID-19 virus. I do not want to be the one who drags the virus back to them because I am selfish.

I know there are things that I can do when I go out not to bring the virus back to my loved ones, and here are a few suggestions.

Wear a mask. Yes and No? Does wearing a mask help? There is so much debate. I wear my mask everywhere I go including when I exercise. If you are going to exercise, then wearing a mask makes it harder to breathe, but it is making your body work harder. The point of the exercise is to work your body harder. Why not wear a mask and work your body harder?
I stay away from crowds, especially people I do not know. I am not talking about social distancing but much more. I shy away from groups of people. I do not get around crowds either walking around them or high tailing it through them as quickly as possible. I am not friendly, not trying to meet new people or create new friendships. I do not want prolonged conversations with people I do not know. I do not know how they act concerning protecting themselves from the virus. I do not want to take the risk.
I stay away from friends and family members who do not protect themselves from the virus. They do not wear their masks; they go shopping and out to dinner, and they do not have loved ones who might be susceptible to COVID-19. I avoid these people because they are taking too many risks.

I have ventured to the beach, and I have done these three things, and it has reduced my risk and my anxiety. I do not want to be the guy who infected his family with the COVID-19 virus. Doing these three things has not increased my fun this year, but it has protected my loved ones and me.

I wonder what to do this fall with no concerts or football games? What are you doing to have fun this fall?

Adore

Adore
 
What is adore
How do we get there
Not a story of lore
But let me share
 
Starts as a nightingale
A crush on a caregiver
A common tale
To someone who can deliver
 
Smart Girl worked hard
To analyze me
Another patient on her dance card
She is my significant key
 
She found I walk funny
She sent me to a specialist
She was so sunny
She was excellent
 
I found her smart
I found her pretty
I found her a piece of art
I found her witty
 
Yes they fixed my pain
My leg quit hurting
Adverting the ball and chain
Now my interest was flirting
 
I asked her out
Once or twice
A difficult route
But worth the price
 
Took weeks and weeks
To win her over
Through valleys and peaks
She was a rover
 
A single mother
She has medical challenges
No men and does not want another
Just wants to keep her life in balance
 
I was not deterred
I was smitten
I was stirred
I needed to fit in
 
I met her needs
Little acts of kindness
Many small deeds
Growing our fondness
 
We talked and talked
We played and played
We shared and shared
We gave and gave
 
Life took off
We lived mightily
Enjoying life from a trough
We were a family
 
We ate dinner together
We walked the dog
We attended school events
We went on trips
 
She improved my condition
Reducing my stress
Eliminating my strange emission
Making my symptoms much less
 
Our lives proceeded
For a long period of time
Warning signs were unheeded
We had reached our prime
 
She had to choose
Old life or new
Two different views
Which one is true
 
I did not help
Wanting my way
All ended in a yelp
And a fray
 
I was frustrated
She was smothered
All issues debated
She was mothered
 
She was safe
She was secure
She was loved
She was dandy
 
No reason to change
No reason to move
No reason to exchange
No reason to improve
 
Our lives deteriorated
Too hard to maintain
I was patient and waited
Living through the strain
 
Talk and talk
Going to transform
Waiting out the clock
And get through the storm
 
I needed her
She nurtured me
I wanted her
She understood me
 
But it was not to be
Our love did not last
We lost our glee
Our lives were in the past
 
No new memories
No new adventures
No new experiences
No new experiments
 
My heart was broken
I was incredibly sad
She had spoken
Again a nomad
 
On my own
Living life
Life alone
No community strife
 
Just circumstances
Circumstances of anxiousness
Circumstances of nervousness
Circumstances of restiveness
 
This went on for a while
A routine of existence
Peaceful in exile
Not much resistance
 
The text came
For us to unite
Back in the game
Everything alright
 
We had not changed
Back to our truths
Nothing rearranged
Back to our youths
 
Playing ball
Going to pool
Watching movies
Holding hands
 
We had missed some days
We had not seen each other
We had made it through the haze
We had ended the pother
 
Smart Girl found a disorder
Sounding like my quirks
Almost like a hoarder
Of crazy weird works
 
I was diagnosed with it
How exciting and fresh
But it fit
I keep my pound of flesh
 
No death sentence
How grand
Learn tools of repentance
Tools to manage my land
 
Land of coziness
Land of familiarity
Land of closeness
Land of comradeliness
 
Journey back to the word
Adore worship admire
Love esteem honor preferred
My heart on fire
 
Unexpectantly
Our lives interrupted
Our future and destiny
Everything disrupted
 
Disrupted our utopia
Where do we go
Entering dystopia
We will not grow
 
Back to the same place
A prison of sorts
Not our own space
Our life distorts
 
Too many chiefs
Too many frustrations
Too many rules
Too many debates
 
We are a couple
It is up to us
Not very supple
Just more fuss
 
Hard enough with one
But two or three
Along with intentional shun
We will not be free
 
I want to respect
I want to admire
I want to cherish
I want to honor
 
I want to get along
I want to go with the flow
I want to be strong
I want to be in the show
 
But it has to be her and me
Our lives and decisions
We must unify and agree
To enjoy our visions
 
I gave up hope
Thinking it was done
Walking the tightrope
No life in the long run
 
She had made her choice
Months ago
I heard her voice
I was useless cargo
 
I was expendable
I was a throwaway
I was undefendable
I was a cliche
 
Moody
Crazy
Unstable
Wacky
 
Yes it is correct
I am not perfect
Last time I checked
But then she picked
 
She picked love
She picked romance
She picked affection
She picked one to kiss
 
She likes our playfulness
She likes our secureness
She likes our tenderness
She likes our togetherness
 
Adore is here
In all its glory
Shout and hear
Our great story
 
We have fun
And laugh
We have joy
And happiness
 
Adore is a journey
A road to travel
A grand tourney
Let us not unravel