Adore
What is adore
How do we get there
Not a story of lore
But let me share
Starts as a nightingale
A crush on a caregiver
A common tale
To someone who can deliver
Smart Girl worked hard
To analyze me
Another patient on her dance card
She is my significant key
She found I walk funny
She sent me to a specialist
She was so sunny
She was excellent
I found her smart
I found her pretty
I found her a piece of art
I found her witty
Yes they fixed my pain
My leg quit hurting
Adverting the ball and chain
Now my interest was flirting
I asked her out
Once or twice
A difficult route
But worth the price
Took weeks and weeks
To win her over
Through valleys and peaks
She was a rover
A single mother
She has medical challenges
No men and does not want another
Just wants to keep her life in balance
I was not deterred
I was smitten
I was stirred
I needed to fit in
I met her needs
Little acts of kindness
Many small deeds
Growing our fondness
We talked and talked
We played and played
We shared and shared
We gave and gave
Life took off
We lived mightily
Enjoying life from a trough
We were a family
We ate dinner together
We walked the dog
We attended school events
We went on trips
She improved my condition
Reducing my stress
Eliminating my strange emission
Making my symptoms much less
Our lives proceeded
For a long period of time
Warning signs were unheeded
We had reached our prime
She had to choose
Old life or new
Two different views
Which one is true
I did not help
Wanting my way
All ended in a yelp
And a fray
I was frustrated
She was smothered
All issues debated
She was mothered
She was safe
She was secure
She was loved
She was dandy
No reason to change
No reason to move
No reason to exchange
No reason to improve
Our lives deteriorated
Too hard to maintain
I was patient and waited
Living through the strain
Talk and talk
Going to transform
Waiting out the clock
And get through the storm
I needed her
She nurtured me
I wanted her
She understood me
But it was not to be
Our love did not last
We lost our glee
Our lives were in the past
No new memories
No new adventures
No new experiences
No new experiments
My heart was broken
I was incredibly sad
She had spoken
Again a nomad
On my own
Living life
Life alone
No community strife
Just circumstances
Circumstances of anxiousness
Circumstances of nervousness
Circumstances of restiveness
This went on for a while
A routine of existence
Peaceful in exile
Not much resistance
The text came
For us to unite
Back in the game
Everything alright
We had not changed
Back to our truths
Nothing rearranged
Back to our youths
Playing ball
Going to pool
Watching movies
Holding hands
We had missed some days
We had not seen each other
We had made it through the haze
We had ended the pother
Smart Girl found a disorder
Sounding like my quirks
Almost like a hoarder
Of crazy weird works
I was diagnosed with it
How exciting and fresh
But it fit
I keep my pound of flesh
No death sentence
How grand
Learn tools of repentance
Tools to manage my land
Land of coziness
Land of familiarity
Land of closeness
Land of comradeliness
Journey back to the word
Adore worship admire
Love esteem honor preferred
My heart on fire
Unexpectantly
Our lives interrupted
Our future and destiny
Everything disrupted
Disrupted our utopia
Where do we go
Entering dystopia
We will not grow
Back to the same place
A prison of sorts
Not our own space
Our life distorts
Too many chiefs
Too many frustrations
Too many rules
Too many debates
We are a couple
It is up to us
Not very supple
Just more fuss
Hard enough with one
But two or three
Along with intentional shun
We will not be free
I want to respect
I want to admire
I want to cherish
I want to honor
I want to get along
I want to go with the flow
I want to be strong
I want to be in the show
But it has to be her and me
Our lives and decisions
We must unify and agree
To enjoy our visions
I gave up hope
Thinking it was done
Walking the tightrope
No life in the long run
She had made her choice
Months ago
I heard her voice
I was useless cargo
I was expendable
I was a throwaway
I was undefendable
I was a cliche
Moody
Crazy
Unstable
Wacky
Yes it is correct
I am not perfect
Last time I checked
But then she picked
She picked love
She picked romance
She picked affection
She picked one to kiss
She likes our playfulness
She likes our secureness
She likes our tenderness
She likes our togetherness
Adore is here
In all its glory
Shout and hear
Our great story
We have fun
And laugh
We have joy
And happiness
Adore is a journey
A road to travel
A grand tourney
Let us not unravel
Smart Girl has improved my life three times in the past two years. I am grateful for her help by reducing my anxiety, solving my leg pain issues, and identifying a possible explanation for my ongoing illness.
I recognize Smart Girl (Cynthia), and her daughter pulled me out of the pit of despair, allowing me to see there is hope, and there is a great deal of life to experience. They encouraged me to keep my journey going and do not give up. Cynthia and Elizabeth (EB) are the best friends anyone can ever possess. We experienced life together traveling many places, building sandcastles, attending an Arkansas football game, watching movies and cartoons, playing chess, building Legos, reading books, doing homework, eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, walking Sweetie Pie, taking and picking EB up to school and playing all types of sports including swimming, catching the ball, throwing the ball, swinging the bat, striking golf balls, shooting basketballs, rolling bowling balls, throwing darts, bicycling, walking, and laser tag. We had a great time, and I never thought I would experience life like that again. Thank you.
Smart Girl worked for Patterson Physical Therapy, and she identified and correcting the problems with my right leg. I went from constant step by step pain every minute of the day. My pain varied from hardly any pain to pain all the time. Patterson Physical Therapy identified my hip to heel ratio was out ten percent, and I was walking sideways. A few shoe inserts and I had instant pain relief. I want to thank them for solving the problem when many doctors, physical therapists, and chiropractors could not over five years. When you are not in constant pain, you can enjoy life, and you can experience it so much more.
In June 2020, Smart Girl presented Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) as a potential identification of my ongoing illness. No one has diagnosed me with this disorder, but it is a better option than PSP. When I read the information that she sent me, it described me perfectly. I did a blog about FNA.
I wrote this poem over a year ago, and it is in my book. I think very highly of Smart Girl, and I am publishing what she has done for me in my blog. I appreciate her dedication to my health. Thank you.
Smart Girl
I recognized your smart
And very astute
It grabbed my heart
And I started the pursuit
You are very pretty
So adorable
Witty
Certainly not ignorable
Your appearance is striking
Blue eyes mesmerizing
Gazing at you and never tiring
So so energizing
I did not know what to expect
Wondering if I could ask
Could we connect
It would be a mighty task
You have a daughter
Live with your parents
We are moving through white water
But you are not embarrassed
You do not text
Are very independent
What comes next
Certainly not dependence
A single mother
Living life
Facing challenges one after another
Needing a Swiss army knife
Sometimes overwhelmed
Sometimes quite well
Certainly compelled
Not to walk on eggshells
What do I see
What do I believe
Do not disagree
Or deceive
Celebrate she is special
Celebrate her resolve
Give her a medal
Watch her evolve
You are unique
A mystery
A good deal of mystique
But you have lived a real life history
So many illnesses
So many miseries
So many sicknesses
So many memories
It makes me seek you more
You are so strong
It could be a love affair
But more two friends traveling along
I like you
You are so fresh
How do I pursue
So we mesh
Patience is good
Do not smother
Wait, in all likelihood
We will find each other
Friends
Buddies
Our relationship will pay dividends
It will be very sunny
A warming experience
Soothing to our bones
Reducing the weariness
Eliminating the groans
It makes me smile
It makes me laugh
Worthwhile
I cannot wait for the next paragraph
Functional Neurological Disorder or Conversion Disorder
I have battled a health issue for six years with no diagnosis, just endless symptoms, and doctor visits. The symptoms are debilitating, but the worse part is they come and go like the wind. One minute I feel good and the next minute I feel awful. One-minute functioning and the next minute dysfunctioning. I minute normal and the next abnormal.
The doctor visits were intense. I saw over 45 doctors in the past six years. The doctors would talk to you and do all types of tests – brain tests, MRI’s, MRA”s inner ear tests, heart, lungs, knee and hip specialist, blood clot specialist, blood pressure, toxicology, EEG’s, EMG’s, anxiety exams, depression exams, etc. The doctors were from the best medical centers in the world – Mayo Clinic and Vanderbilt. They did not find anything wrong with me except anxiety and depression. All you need is a pill, and you will be better. The best line from the doctors was just wait until it manifests itself. Really, I am trying to live!
Of course, I am going to be anxious and depressed. Duh! I am falling backwards thousands of times and bless the Lord that I have hit the ground only ten times. I lose words, and I can not say what is on my mind. The sunlight shuts me down, making me retreat into myself. I close my eyes, and I cannot function. I fall left to right wobbling. These are daily occurrences. There are so many other symptoms that happen sporadically. I find it amusing the funny situations that I have experienced in the past six years.
For two years, the only disease that was close to my symptoms was Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP). This is an undiagnosed disease that eats away at you until you die. No one says you have it until the end when you cannot walk, talk, or eat. They autopsy you to see your tau proteins bunched up on your brain. Yes, you had PSP. Wow! How nice! My adamant supporter, Smart Girl did not think I had it because I was not getting weaker physically, and I did not have a Parkinsonian look, which is present in PSP. When this is the only disease that fits all your symptoms, it is hard not to latch on to this disease. Gosh, I want to put a name to it. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to be in control. Control of what? PSP is a killer. PSP is an ugly death. PSP is not merciful. PSP is painful. PSP is torture.
Last week (June 2020), my adamant supporter or I call her Smart Girl located Functional Neurological Disorder. What is that? I have never heard of that disorder. I do not remember any doctor, including many neurologists, mention it to me. They never even suggested it was a possibility.
What is Functional Neurological Disorder?
Functional neurological disorder (FND) is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis or stroke.
FND patients can experience a wide range and combination of symptoms that are physical, sensory and/or cognitive. The most common include:
Motor dysfunction • Functional limb weakness/paralysis • Functional movement disorders; including tremor, spasms (dystonia), jerky movements (myoclonus) and problems walking (gait disorder) • Functional speech symptoms; including whispering speech (dysphonia), slurred or stuttering speech
Sensory dysfunction • Functional sensory disturbance includes altered sensation; e.g. numbness, tingling or pain in the face, torso or limbs. This often occurs on one side of the body • Functional visual symptoms; including loss of vision or double vision
Episodes of altered awareness • Dissociative (non-epileptic) seizures, blackouts and faints: these symptoms can overlap and can look like epileptic seizures or faints (syncope)
Symptoms often fluctuate and may vary from day to day or be present all the time. Some patients with FND may experience substantial or even complete remission followed by sudden relapses of symptoms.
Other physical and psychological symptoms are commonly experienced by patients with FND but may not be present. These include: chronic pains, fatigue, sleep problems, memory symptoms, bowel and bladder symptoms, anxiety and depression.
Yes, I have many of those symptoms, and they come and go. Is this a real disorder or just a junk drawer for people who are messed up, but there is no diagnosis for me yet? I do not care. I rather think I have FND (live) versus PSP (die).
Is there a treatment?
Yes, I have new doctors to see and new treatments to try – CBT and ACT. I must be more self-aware of what triggers my symptoms. I must learn techniques to reset myself once symptoms start. My favorite is when I cannot pronounce words or get them out of my mouth then sing a song. I sing “Everyday with Jesus,” and then I can pronounce the word or get it out of my mouth. How wonderful is that! In one week, we have found one reset. How exciting. Now, I am looking for triggers to stop symptoms before they happen and for reset techniques to get me back to normal as soon as possible.
Praise
I praise God for the blessing in my life. In the past two weeks, God put Smart Girl in my life. She found this disorder, she made me aware of the disorder, and she helped me with the first symptom reset. Two, the Lord gave me hope and endurance. The Lord gave me the will to enjoy each day and to live. Thank you, God!
