When Do You Live
I do not know
When you live
You must tiptoe
The issue to survive
Survive abuse
Survive intolerance
Survive hatred
Survive injustice
Kill a baby
Whenever you want
Alive maybe
All so nonchalant
Womans rights are first
No exceptions
What can be worse
Than ignorant misconceptions
When does life begin
Christians believe at conception
Science has many spins
And fixed perceptions
Is life when DNA completes at 3 days
Is life when the heart beats at 24 days
Is life when brain waves are recorded at 43 days
Is life when a baby can live outside the womb at 140 days
Or is life when a woman decides
I can abort my unique child
And the world ultimately divides
The world goes crazy wild
One side says control my life
Damn human life
One side says save every life
Precious human life
Who is responsible for human health
Is it each 3.8 billion women on the globe
Or is it the elected commonwealth
Or some unelected justice in a black robe
Every human being is responsible for these losses
You can not hide behind a lack of knowledge
You can not hide behind your crosses
You must reasonably acknowledge
At 20 weeks it can live outside the womb
Start here and make the laws the same
Bring everyone who cares in the room
And quit the shame and blame game
Smart Girl has improved my life three times in the past two years. I am grateful for her help by reducing my anxiety, solving my leg pain issues, and identifying a possible explanation for my ongoing illness.
I recognize Smart Girl (Cynthia), and her daughter pulled me out of the pit of despair, allowing me to see there is hope, and there is a great deal of life to experience. They encouraged me to keep my journey going and do not give up. Cynthia and Elizabeth (EB) are the best friends anyone can ever possess. We experienced life together traveling many places, building sandcastles, attending an Arkansas football game, watching movies and cartoons, playing chess, building Legos, reading books, doing homework, eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, walking Sweetie Pie, taking and picking EB up to school and playing all types of sports including swimming, catching the ball, throwing the ball, swinging the bat, striking golf balls, shooting basketballs, rolling bowling balls, throwing darts, bicycling, walking, and laser tag. We had a great time, and I never thought I would experience life like that again. Thank you.
Smart Girl worked for Patterson Physical Therapy, and she identified and correcting the problems with my right leg. I went from constant step by step pain every minute of the day. My pain varied from hardly any pain to pain all the time. Patterson Physical Therapy identified my hip to heel ratio was out ten percent, and I was walking sideways. A few shoe inserts and I had instant pain relief. I want to thank them for solving the problem when many doctors, physical therapists, and chiropractors could not over five years. When you are not in constant pain, you can enjoy life, and you can experience it so much more.
In June 2020, Smart Girl presented Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) as a potential identification of my ongoing illness. No one has diagnosed me with this disorder, but it is a better option than PSP. When I read the information that she sent me, it described me perfectly. I did a blog about FNA.
I wrote this poem over a year ago, and it is in my book. I think very highly of Smart Girl, and I am publishing what she has done for me in my blog. I appreciate her dedication to my health. Thank you.
Smart Girl
I recognized your smart
And very astute
It grabbed my heart
And I started the pursuit
You are very pretty
So adorable
Witty
Certainly not ignorable
Your appearance is striking
Blue eyes mesmerizing
Gazing at you and never tiring
So so energizing
I did not know what to expect
Wondering if I could ask
Could we connect
It would be a mighty task
You have a daughter
Live with your parents
We are moving through white water
But you are not embarrassed
You do not text
Are very independent
What comes next
Certainly not dependence
A single mother
Living life
Facing challenges one after another
Needing a Swiss army knife
Sometimes overwhelmed
Sometimes quite well
Certainly compelled
Not to walk on eggshells
What do I see
What do I believe
Do not disagree
Or deceive
Celebrate she is special
Celebrate her resolve
Give her a medal
Watch her evolve
You are unique
A mystery
A good deal of mystique
But you have lived a real life history
So many illnesses
So many miseries
So many sicknesses
So many memories
It makes me seek you more
You are so strong
It could be a love affair
But more two friends traveling along
I like you
You are so fresh
How do I pursue
So we mesh
Patience is good
Do not smother
Wait, in all likelihood
We will find each other
Friends
Buddies
Our relationship will pay dividends
It will be very sunny
A warming experience
Soothing to our bones
Reducing the weariness
Eliminating the groans
It makes me smile
It makes me laugh
Worthwhile
I cannot wait for the next paragraph
Functional Neurological Disorder or Conversion Disorder
I have battled a health issue for six years with no diagnosis, just endless symptoms, and doctor visits. The symptoms are debilitating, but the worse part is they come and go like the wind. One minute I feel good and the next minute I feel awful. One-minute functioning and the next minute dysfunctioning. I minute normal and the next abnormal.
The doctor visits were intense. I saw over 45 doctors in the past six years. The doctors would talk to you and do all types of tests – brain tests, MRI’s, MRA”s inner ear tests, heart, lungs, knee and hip specialist, blood clot specialist, blood pressure, toxicology, EEG’s, EMG’s, anxiety exams, depression exams, etc. The doctors were from the best medical centers in the world – Mayo Clinic and Vanderbilt. They did not find anything wrong with me except anxiety and depression. All you need is a pill, and you will be better. The best line from the doctors was just wait until it manifests itself. Really, I am trying to live!
Of course, I am going to be anxious and depressed. Duh! I am falling backwards thousands of times and bless the Lord that I have hit the ground only ten times. I lose words, and I can not say what is on my mind. The sunlight shuts me down, making me retreat into myself. I close my eyes, and I cannot function. I fall left to right wobbling. These are daily occurrences. There are so many other symptoms that happen sporadically. I find it amusing the funny situations that I have experienced in the past six years.
For two years, the only disease that was close to my symptoms was Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP). This is an undiagnosed disease that eats away at you until you die. No one says you have it until the end when you cannot walk, talk, or eat. They autopsy you to see your tau proteins bunched up on your brain. Yes, you had PSP. Wow! How nice! My adamant supporter, Smart Girl did not think I had it because I was not getting weaker physically, and I did not have a Parkinsonian look, which is present in PSP. When this is the only disease that fits all your symptoms, it is hard not to latch on to this disease. Gosh, I want to put a name to it. I want to know what is wrong with me. I want to be in control. Control of what? PSP is a killer. PSP is an ugly death. PSP is not merciful. PSP is painful. PSP is torture.
Last week (June 2020), my adamant supporter or I call her Smart Girl located Functional Neurological Disorder. What is that? I have never heard of that disorder. I do not remember any doctor, including many neurologists, mention it to me. They never even suggested it was a possibility.
What is Functional Neurological Disorder?
Functional neurological disorder (FND) is a medical condition in which there is a problem with the functioning of the nervous system and how the brain and body sends and/or receives signals, rather than a structural disease process such as multiple sclerosis or stroke.
FND patients can experience a wide range and combination of symptoms that are physical, sensory and/or cognitive. The most common include:
Motor dysfunction • Functional limb weakness/paralysis • Functional movement disorders; including tremor, spasms (dystonia), jerky movements (myoclonus) and problems walking (gait disorder) • Functional speech symptoms; including whispering speech (dysphonia), slurred or stuttering speech
Sensory dysfunction • Functional sensory disturbance includes altered sensation; e.g. numbness, tingling or pain in the face, torso or limbs. This often occurs on one side of the body • Functional visual symptoms; including loss of vision or double vision
Episodes of altered awareness • Dissociative (non-epileptic) seizures, blackouts and faints: these symptoms can overlap and can look like epileptic seizures or faints (syncope)
Symptoms often fluctuate and may vary from day to day or be present all the time. Some patients with FND may experience substantial or even complete remission followed by sudden relapses of symptoms.
Other physical and psychological symptoms are commonly experienced by patients with FND but may not be present. These include: chronic pains, fatigue, sleep problems, memory symptoms, bowel and bladder symptoms, anxiety and depression.
Yes, I have many of those symptoms, and they come and go. Is this a real disorder or just a junk drawer for people who are messed up, but there is no diagnosis for me yet? I do not care. I rather think I have FND (live) versus PSP (die).
Is there a treatment?
Yes, I have new doctors to see and new treatments to try – CBT and ACT. I must be more self-aware of what triggers my symptoms. I must learn techniques to reset myself once symptoms start. My favorite is when I cannot pronounce words or get them out of my mouth then sing a song. I sing “Everyday with Jesus,” and then I can pronounce the word or get it out of my mouth. How wonderful is that! In one week, we have found one reset. How exciting. Now, I am looking for triggers to stop symptoms before they happen and for reset techniques to get me back to normal as soon as possible.
Praise
I praise God for the blessing in my life. In the past two weeks, God put Smart Girl in my life. She found this disorder, she made me aware of the disorder, and she helped me with the first symptom reset. Two, the Lord gave me hope and endurance. The Lord gave me the will to enjoy each day and to live. Thank you, God!
Battle of Nerves vs Mental
What to do next
I wander about
I am perplexed
I want to shout
Leave me alone
Let me be
I want to moan
But then there is she
She is Smart Girl
She will not let me quit
She is a rare precious pearl
She has much grit
You are fine
You are curable
Quit your whine
You are endurable
Your lungs sing a song
Your heart is exceptionally good
Your muscles are strong
You are a forest of maple wood
You fall and almost fall
You have bouts and seasons
Where you hit a wall
Without any reasons
No one has diagnosed you
Telling you anything
No reason to worry and stew
Anxiety and depression sting
Worse than your illness
Quit being an awful bore
Live each day in its brilliance
Open the morning door and roar
Life is noble and grand
Life is pleasing and sweet
Life is unexplored land
Life is a delicious treat
Smart Girl wants to pursue
Conversion disorder and
Functional neurological disorder
Which is fine with me
The brain and nervous mechanisms
Do not efficiently communicate
Resulting in many schisms
In my neurological state
Somewhere between nerves and mental
Everyone knows I am crazy
But let us not be judgmental
We all can be a little hazy
Good news I believe
Continue the medical journey
Looking for reprieve
After six years of a debilitating tourney
What is a year or two more
Smart Girl motivates me
To continue the unfair war
And I agree
Children of Man
Who is this man
Mortals of man
Mankind of man
People of man
Who is he
Who is she
Who is thee
Who is me
But children
Made in Gods image
And we are many million
In lifes scrimmage
People of color
People of race
People of religion
People of haste
Haste to blame one another
Haste to accuse one another
Haste to hate one another
Haste to destroy one another
Do we understand
Do we care
Do we walk hand in hand
Do we stand there
Stand there in dogma
Stand there in fairness
Stand there in belief
Stand there in bareness
Naked to face God
To seek His forgiveness
Knowing I am flawed
My sin of impulsiveness
Rushing about
Wanting it all
Waiting for a give out
Not waiting for the call
The call to accept
There is more to living
But I just slept
Instead of forgiving
Forgiving my self
Forgiving my family
Forgiving my friends
Forgiving my humanity
Is it too late
To be embraced
To enter the gate
And to taste
Taste the love
Taste the goodness
Taste the mercy
Taste the assurance
No it has not past
The final chance
So be quite fast
To enter the dance
Dance with Jesus
Dance with God
Dance with the Holy Spirit
Dance with Christs bride
The Bride of Christ
Gather in Christ
Body of Christ
The church is Christ
The church is your family
The church is your base
The church is no anomaly
The church is your place
Grow in the church
Disciple in the church
Serve in the church
Reconcile in the church
Not always pretty
Not always nice
What a pity
Take my advice
Better there
Then anywhere
A house of prayer
Jesus is near
Near to our hearts
Near to our thoughts
Near to our hurts
Near to our faults
Accept His presence
Accept His gift
Accept His peace
Accept His love
Notes
Proverbs 8:4 New International Version (NIV)
4 “To you, O people, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
Proverbs 8:31 New International Version (NIV)
31 rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
Proverbs 15:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 Death and Destruction[a] lie open before the Lord—
how much more do human hearts!
Psalm 11:4 New International Version (NIV)
4 The Lord is in his holy temple;
the Lord is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
his eyes examine them.
Psalm 12:8 New International Version (NIV)
8 who freely strut about
when what is vile is honored by the human race.
Psalm 14:2 New International Version (NIV)
2 The Lord looks down from heaven
on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.
Psalm 21:10 New International Version (NIV)
10 You will destroy their descendants from the earth,
their posterity from mankind.
Psalm 33:13 New International Version (NIV)
13 From heaven the Lord looks down
and sees all mankind;
Psalm 53:2 New International Version (NIV)
2 God looks down from heaven
on all mankind
to see if there are any who understand,
any who seek God.
Psalm 57:4 New International Version (NIV)
4 I am in the midst of lions;
I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.
Psalm 58[a]For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam.[b]1 Do you rulers indeed speak justly?
Do you judge people with equity?
Psalm 66:5 New International Version (NIV)
5 Come and see what God has done,
his awesome deeds for mankind!
Psalm 89:47 New International Version (NIV)
47 Remember how fleeting is my life.
For what futility you have created all humanity!
Psalm 90:3 New International Version (NIV)
3 You turn people back to dust,
saying, “Return to dust, you mortals.”
Psalm 107:8 (4 times in Psalm 107) New International Version (NIV)
8 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
Psalm 115:16 New International Version (NIV)
16 The highest heavens belong to the Lord,
but the earth he has given to mankind.
Psalm 145:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Ecclesiastes 1:13 New International Version (NIV)
13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind!
Ecclesiastes 2:3 New International Version (NIV)
3 I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives.
Ecclesiastes 3:10 New International Version (NIV)
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.
Ecclesiastes 3:18 New International Version (NIV)
18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals.
Ecclesiastes 3:19 New International Version (NIV)
19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[a]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless.
Ecclesiastes 8:11 New International Version (NIV)
11 When the sentence for a crime is not quickly carried out, people’s hearts are filled with schemes to do wrong.
Ecclesiastes 9:3 New International Version (NIV)
3 This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all. The hearts of people, moreover, are full of evil and there is madness in their hearts while they live, and afterward they join the dead.
Ecclesiastes 9:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come:
As fish are caught in a cruel net,
or birds are taken in a snare,
so people are trapped by evil times
that fall unexpectedly upon them.
Jeremiah 32:19 New International Version (NIV)
19 great are your purposes and mighty are your deeds. Your eyes are open to the ways of all mankind; you reward each person according to their conduct and as their deeds deserve.
Ezekiel 31:14 New International Version (NIV)
14 Therefore no other trees by the waters are ever to tower proudly on high, lifting their tops above the thick foliage. No other trees so well-watered are ever to reach such a height; they are all destined for death, for the earth below, among mortals who go down to the realm of the dead.
Daniel 2:38 New International Version (NIV)
38 in your hands he has placed all mankind and the beasts of the field and the birds in the sky. Wherever they live, he has made you ruler over them all. You are that head of gold.
Daniel 10:16 New International Version (NIV)
16 Then one who looked like a man[a] touched my lips, and I opened my mouth and began to speak. I said to the one standing before me, “I am overcome with anguish because of the vision, my lord, and I feel very weak.
Joel 1:12 New International Version (NIV)
12 The vine is dried up
and the fig tree is withered;
the pomegranate, the palm and the apple[a] tree—
all the trees of the field—are dried up.
Surely the people’s joy
is withered away.
Micah 5:7 New International Version (NIV)
7 The remnant of Jacob will be
in the midst of many peoples
like dew from the Lord,
like showers on the grass,
which do not wait for anyone
or depend on man.
Mark 3:28 New International Version (NIV)
28 Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter,
